A Day in The Life Of Me

2011: The year that can’t end soon enough!

2011-12-29T15:22:00.000-05:00

This year started out with returning home from a short vacation to Michigan. I was hopeful that 2011 would have lots of good things in store for me and my family. My best friend got married and had her first child. We welcomed another little one into our extended family (my sister’s newest grandchild). My cousin and his wife had their 2nd child. All seemed to be heading in the right direction.

Someone else had other plans. As many of you know, my father was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer on April 2nd. From that point on, my life changed completely. I have spent the greater part of 2011 in tears, stressed out, dealing with Bell’s Palsy, battling depression, almost losing my cat, other family drama that won’t be mentioned in this blog, and am ending the year with an Upper Respiratory Infection. Focusing on the positive has been difficult for me this year.

I lost my job ~ no huge loss to me ~ in August, but have since found gainful employment with the State of Florida in the Department of Corrections. I am grateful for this job and couldn’t have asked for a better boss or group of people to work with. I have found a church that I am happy with and enjoy going to services when I can. I am trying to become a better person for myself, my family and friends, and hopefully for that someone that God has chosen for me (and I hope he shows up soon, lol). Oh, and the world did not end on my birthday this year, lol!

Above all else, I am very thankful that God has a purpose for me and my life here on Earth. What it is I have yet to figure out. I ~~think~~ know the year will end on a positive note! And for the first time, in a long time, I would like to end the year by sending a Birthday Prayer up to my beautiful daughter on what should have been her 16th celebration of life. I never got to know you as God saw that it was not meant to be. I harbor no bad feelings for His decision as I know you are with me all through the year. Someday, we will finally meet and I will get to hold you in my arms. For now, I will continue to hold you in my heart.

Here’s to leaving 2011 where it deserves to be and looking ahead to a wonderful and prosperous 2012!!!

Meet Me on Monday ~ Christmas Edition

2011-12-19T20:16:00.001-05:00

I love the questions this week! The hostess decided to make them Christmas related. Here are the questions:

Questions:
1.Wrapping paper or gift bags?
2.Real or artificial tree?
3.When do you put your tree up?
4.When do you take your tree down?
5.Do you like eggnog?
6.Do you have a nativity scene?
7.Favorite Christmas Movie?
8.Favorite Christmas cookie?
9.Where will you eat Christmas dinner?
10.Angel, bow or star on top of your tree?
11.Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
12.Do you like Fruitcake?
13.What are you most excited about the holidays?
14.Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
15.Will you still be wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
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And my answers:

Questions:
1.Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Wrapping Paper

2.Real or artificial tree?

Artificial

3.When do you put your tree up?

Usually Thanksgiving weekend, but definitely by December 1st!

4.When do you take your tree down?

New Year’s weekend

5.Do you like eggnog?

Um, that would be a big NO!

6.Do you have a nativity scene?

Does Joseph, Mary, Baby Jesus and the 3 Wise Frogs count? LOL…I don’t think I have one,

but will get one whenever I finally have my own home.

7.Favorite Christmas Movie?

“It’s A Wonderful Life” is my all-time favorite Christmas movie.

I also like “Miracle on 34th Street”

8.Favorite Christmas cookie?

Gingerbread Men

9.Where will you eat Christmas dinner?

I don’t know. Probably at a dining room table somewhere, lol!

Location changes every year.

10.Angel, bow or star on top of your tree?

Angel

11.Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

Crowds

12.Do you like Fruitcake?

Um, that would also be a big NO!

13.What are you most excited about the holidays?

I love seeing the Christmas Decorations.

14.Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?

Tradition has always been to open a small gift on Christmas Eve

and everything else on Christmas morning. (Yes, that’s me)

15.Will you still be wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?

If I were buying presents, yes I typically do still wrap on the Eve.

This year, nope, because I am not buying gifts.

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If you want to join in on the fun, be sure to check out Never Growing Old’s blog!

A Little Re-rendition of an old favorite!

2011-12-03T12:40:00.001-05:00

O Sparty tree, o Sparty tree

Your Green and White delights me!

You’re Green when summer days are long

You’re White when winter goes by slow

O Sparty tree, O Sparty tree

Your Green and White delights me!

Meet Me on Monday

2011-11-28T19:13:00.001-05:00

Hey! I finally decided to “Subscribe” to Never Growing Old’s blog so now I shouldn’t miss the questions, lol. Anyway, short and sweet, here are the questions:

Questions:
1. I really need to clean my _________?
2. What food makes you think of Christmas?
3. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
4. What was your first paying job?
5. Have you read the Twilight series?

And my answers:

1. I really need to clean my BEDROOM?

2. What food makes you think of Christmas?

Gingerbread – I LOVE it!!! But I think I have an allergy to either the molasses or ginger because my tongue always feels like it’s on fire when I eat it. I only eat it during the holidays for that very reason.

3. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I don’t think I would want to stay a certain age forever. Each birthday brings a new bit of wisdom.

4. What was your first paying job?

Babysitting. And I made pretty good money too. $5.00 per hour per kid (I watched 2 boys). This was in the early 1980s!

5. Have you read the Twilight series?

Um, that would be a big fat NO! I am not interested in it at all. Sorry to all of you Twilight fans reading this. I don’t even like the Harry Potter series. I know, blasphemy! LOL

***********

In other news, my dad finished his chemotherapy treatments. Now we play the waiting game until he gets his CAT/PET scans done again to see what’s what on the cancer front.

I started a new job one month ago today. I am loving it so far, and learning a LOT! I work for the State of Florida. It’s difficult to get your foot in the door, but once it’s in, it’s in!

God is great!

Meet Me on Monday

2011-11-14T19:45:00.001-05:00

I’m baaaa-ack! For some reason, I missed the past several weeks’ posts on Never Growing Old’s blog. D’oh! Well, I made it a point to look over there this evening to get this week’s questions. So here are the questions:

Questions:
1. Does your family/friends know about your blog?
2. What is your favorite card game?
3. What do you wear to bed?
4. What is your favorite kind of French Fry?
5. What is your usual bed time?

And my answers:

Questions:
1. Does your family/friends know about your blog?

2. What is your favorite card game?

Currently, Texas Hold ‘Em. As a kid, Old Maid!

3. What do you wear to bed?

Comfy lounge pants and a tank top. Unless I am cold, and all of my blankets don’t keep me warm enough, then I throw on a short or long sleeve t-shirt.

4. What is your favorite kind of French Fry?

The kind with lots of Chili and Cheese on them!

5. What is your usual bed time?

Whenever I get tired or 10pm, whichever happens first.

Well, that’s about all for now!

A New Job!

2011-11-13T15:09:00.001-05:00

Well, I started my new job on October 28th. I am happy with it so far. It is a State (FL) position, so there are benefits. As with any new job, there is a probationary period. This is probably the longest one I will ever see: 12 months. It’s a secretary position so nothing too difficult or stressful --- so far, LOL!

My dad should be taking his final chemo treatment on Tuesday. He has not been feeling well for about a week now, so we’re keeping our fingers crossed that his blood counts are high enough to proceed on Tuesday. If not, then we wait another week. The main thing is he hasn’t felt much like eating anything. My sis and I agree that it’s probably due to the chemo drugs/poisons. It bothers him that he hasn’t been able to eat a “full meal” (by his standards anyway).

Other than that, not much else happening in my life. Just looking forward to closing out 2011 and beginning a fresh new year in a few weeks!

Job Hunting

2011-09-22T14:53:00.001-04:00

Well, I have been looking for a new job for little over a month now. The changes made to unemployment require me to show proof of at least 5 contacts each week. That said, I did have an interview today and I think it went rather well. I won’t get into too much detail at this time, but I am really hoping to be selected for the position.

In other news, my mom turns 60 tomorrow!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

I know you read this from time to time, lol.

And my kitties are playing so well together now!

10 Years Later…

2011-09-11T12:17:00.001-04:00

…We are still holding strong to our beliefs.

…We are still remembering our heroes.

…We are still the United States of America.

I have been seeing a lot of “Where were you 10 years ago today?” out here in blogland. For me, I will never forget this day nor this date.

On Sunday, September 9, 2001 I went to bed and had a dream. I dreamed about a plane flying into a tall building. Little did I know that this particular dream would be one that came true.

On Tuesday, September 11, 2001 I was on my way to Ann Arbor, MI to the VA Hospital as I was extremely ill. All the way there I noticed semi’s being pulled over and cops everywhere. I had not yet seen or heard the news, but being so close to Canada, I figured it had something to do with border patrol issues. Boy, was I ever wrong.

We got to the hospital and I noticed a heightened sense of security. Still, I didn’t connect the two. It wasn’t until I was in the examining room when the doctor came in and asked me “Have you heard any news recently?” I told him that all I heard was something about some plane hitting some building, but nothing out of the ordinary. He then told me that the WTC had been hit and both towers were burning. Still, NO connection!

By the time we got home that afternoon (keep in mind that I lived almost 2 hours northwest of Ann Arbor) and turned on CNN I realized that my dream was a reality. I will never forget the images of the WTC on fire and the second plane hitting the South tower. What I had dreamed 2 nights before was EXACTLY what was being shown on CNN.

So, where was I on September 11, 2001? I was glued to the television, not believing that I had yet another premonition, and stunned that we, the USA, had been attacked on our own grounds.

May all of those lives lost rest in peace. May all of those men and women who toiled at Ground Zero for days and weeks be lifted. May those who continue to suffer from the after effects of exposure be healed.

God bless our men, women, children, country, and FREEDOM!

Tuesday’s Show & Tail

2011-06-27T22:31:00.001-04:00

I can’t give a proper title to this post as the object in the pictures has no name at this time. If you have been following this blog or my cross stitch blog you know that my cat, Sandy, went missing last Thursday evening. She has not shown up as of this post. I am still heartbroken over her disappearance and hope that she is safe and that she returns home to us soon.

In the meantime, I told my dad last night that I intended to pick up a kitten from my grandma’s house. I did that earlier today and would like to share with you the newest member of my family:

My sister and I are trying to come up with a name for him. I have had a few suggestions from some stitchy friends over on my cross stitch blog as well as one from my dad. Once a decision is made, I will reveal his name to you all.

His eyes are matted with an infection and my sis suggested cleaning them several times a day with peroxide on a cotton ball. Hopefully this will clear up in a few days. He will also be seeing my vet in a few days for his first visit. At this time, though, he is peacefully sleeping on my bed.

Meet Me on Monday

2011-06-26T22:30:00.002-04:00

Well, this is my third MMoM post and so far it is interesting! Here are this week’s questions:
Questions:
1. What is your favorite food?
2. What color scheme is your bedroom?
3. Do you carry a donor card?
4. In your opinion, is the glass half empty or half full?
5. Vanilla or Chocolate?

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Before I go into my answers, I would like to share with you that my cat has now been missing since Thursday evening – that is 3 days. I spent much of today between tears and sleep as I miss her terribly. I just hope she is safe and being taken care of wherever she is and that she returns home soon. In the meantime, I spoke with my dad tonight to let him know my intention of picking up my kitten from my grandma’s tomorrow (Monday). He didn’t object but suggested I make sure Ebenezer is the one I want. I guess he’s a bit wild toward my dad, but he was so sweet to me a few days ago.
I will be OK. This too shall pass.
Now, my answers:
Answers:
1. What is your favorite food?
That’s a toss up between Italian and Mexican

2. What color scheme is your bedroom?

Blue

3. Do you carry a donor card?
NOPE, it’s not that I am against it. I just never opt to be an organ donor.

4. In your opinion, is the glass half empty or half full?
Depends on my mood, LOL

5. Vanilla or Chocolate?
Vanilla since this is the choice. I am not a huge fan of chocolate but do like
German Chocolate Cake
and Mint Chocolate Ice Cream

Have You Seen Me?

2011-06-24T21:58:00.001-04:00

I seem to have lost my way. My owner misses me something fierce and she is probably crying her eyes out waiting for me to come home. You see, I punched out the screen, AGAIN, and decided to take a stroll. I have been gone since around 6pm Thursday evening. I am sure my family is looking for me, but I am having too much fun! I hope they aren’t mad.

*******

Yes, that is my Sandy and she disappeared on Thursday evening. She has never ventured away from our home, typically staying in the carport whenever she punches a screen out. She gets into trouble when she does that. This time, she took off and I haven’t been able to find her. Everyone says “She’ll come back”, but I am not so sure. I miss her so much. I cried myself to sleep last night and probably will tonight too. It’s especially hard since my dad goes in for another round of chemo on Monday and will be gone until Wednesday night.

Sandy

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Sandy…PLEASE COME HOME!!!

Meet Me On Monday w/ Never Growing Old

2011-06-19T21:40:00.000-04:00

I think this is a great way for us to get to know one another here in blogville! Thanks to Never Growing Old for hosting Meet Me On Monday!!

Questions:

1. What feature of the opposite sex do you notice first?

2. Do you talk to yourself?

3. What is your current relationship status?

4. Do you have a garden?

5. What is your favorite licorice flavor?

And my answers:

1. What feature of the opposite sex do you notice first?

His Smile and His Eyes

2. Do you talk to yourself?

Sometimes

3. What is your current relationship status?

Single and HATING IT

4. Do you have a garden?

Nope, but would love to have an English Garden someday.

5. What is your favorite licorice flavor?

Cherry

Meet Me on Monday

2011-06-14T17:50:00.002-04:00

Thanks, Emmie, for bringing this to our attention!

This is actually found on Never Growing Old and what an interesting idea it is!! Apparently the questions are posted on the Sunday post, so you will have to either become a Follower or keep checking back via the link on my sidebar. Have fun!!

Questions:

1. What is your favorite yogurt flavor?
2. Ankle or knee socks? and on the same theme, white socks or coloured??
3. How is the weather right now?
4. Are you a fast typer?
5. Red or White Wine?

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ANSWERS:

1. What is your favorite yogurt flavor?

ICK!

2. Ankle or knee socks? and on the same theme, white socks or coloured??

Ankle socks, typically white, that is if I even wear any socks. I prefer to be barefoot.

3. How is the weather right now?

4. Are you a fast typer?

Yes

5. Red or White Wine?

WHITE! I love Riesling and Moscato flavors

Until next time….

Clarity in the Chaos

2011-06-11T12:32:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had one of those moments when the light bulb just clicked on and you think to yourself, “You know, he’s absolutely right!”? Well, that happened for me this morning shortly after 8am. I have spent the past few weeks dealing with a lot of old hurts and emotions, stuff that I buried so deep down that I never thought it would surface. You may have noticed this in my posts as of late. This is a GOOD thing, mind you, as I need to feel this stuff and let go of it once and for all. I guess it’s a healing process long overdue so that I may move on with my life and finally find that happiness I am looking so hard for.

So what was he right about, you may be wondering. Well, the other night, a friend of mine was visiting and we were going to watch another episode of “The Pacific” together. Being that I was in an emotional state and really needed to talk more than anything, I shut the DVD off and just let it all out. A little background: I really like this man, as a friend, and find myself feeling comfortable enough to talk to him about anything. I don’t have many friends like that, so when I find one I tend to latch on…HARD! I don’t love this man in any other way than a friend and still think of him as a cousin (his mom and my uncle were married until 1993 when my uncle passed away). Heck, I still call his mom “Aunt ___” at times. We have a good time together talking about mutual interests and family and it’s all good. But what he said to me was “You are clinging to the first man to show you some affection” (something along those lines).

Ding, ding, ding! The light bulb clicked on this morning and I thought “Man, he’s right about that! And I don’t even love him – at least not in that way!! LOL”. In the midst of this emotional chaos, I had been trying to figure out my feelings for him too. NIGHTMARE! I admit that I am more ready than ever to be in a relationship with a man, however I know what I deserve in a man and what I need. Most importantly, there has got to be mutual feelings, right?! So, as I got ready for work, that comment just really clicked in my brain. And I finally began to have some clarity after the chaos of the past few weeks.

Now, if this darn Bell’s Palsy would just go away already, all would be right in my world! I sure hope everyone is having a good weekend and I thank you so much for just reading my blog posts as of late. I know they have probably been difficult, boring, or just plain sad, but it helps to get some of this junk out of my system. And, I have been doing a little bit of stitching and will have pics to share very soon!

Been sad too long…

2011-06-09T07:34:00.001-04:00

So I decided to write a poem for today:

To Find Someone

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find someone

Someone that will love you

That will hold you when you’re sad

To wraps his arms around you

And just lay there all night long.

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find someone

Someone that you can lean on

That shows he cares

In the simplest of ways.

To just sit there next to you

And just listen as you cry.

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find someone

Someone that is meant for you

That you can connect with

Both intimately and intellectually

And just be.

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find my someone…

9 June 2011

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That about sums it up. I am more ready than ever to take that next step in my life. I have fears of being alone and I am certain these fears are amplified because of my dad’s illness. I don’t think he’ll die tomorrow or next year, but I also know his day will come. I have spent a lot of time and tears over the past few weeks over this issue in my life. Thinking about what I need in my someone, what I want. Ideally, I want the fairytale ending. Don’t we all!? As little girls we dream of our Prince Charming. I thought I found my Prince at one time, but he turned out to be a poisoned toad.

This is the kind of love I seek. I know it exists. I don’t think it’s asking too much. Well, enough on that! Gonna try to have the patience to allow God to do His will.

Thanks for hopping by…

If it’s not one thing…

2011-06-05T21:22:00.001-04:00

…It’s another! Yup, on top of my dad’s cancer, I am now dealing with Bell’s Palsy! I am so not happy about it, really frustrated in fact. I take an anti-viral 5 times a day and Prednisone 3 times a day. It doesn’t bother me that I have to take the meds, they will help in time. It’s that the right side of my face is slightly paralyzed making it difficult to talk, laugh, smile, and even see a freakin’ chart to cross-stitch. I haven’t been able to concentrate to stitch and it’s really wearing me thin.

Readers and friends: this is what stress can do to a person! LOL

2011 Hayes Family Reunion

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On a brighter note, I spent part of yesterday at a family reunion and had fun. Always a highlight in my year to visit with other members of our ever-extended family and learn some of our history from them. Like yesterdays topic was on the Civil War and our ancestors (my great-great grandfather and one of his brothers) who fought in the War. For the Confederacy of course! So if any of you Hays/Hayes’s are on here reading my blog and your family is from the Southeastern United States (Virginia’s, Carolina’s, Georgia, Alabama, and Florida) we might just be related in some way!

Today, I was over at my step-Aunt’s house visiting with her, and her son, and one of her daughters came over. She and her daughter eventually left and it was me and her son. We watched NASCAR (they’re making a left turn!) – not one of my favorite things to do – and then watched the first 2 episodes of “The Pacific”. We both have discovered we share a passion for history and so we have been swapping books and spending time together just talking Civil War and other historical stuff. He’s been a Godsend the past month and I am so happy that this part of my extended family is back in my life. I have always liked being around them – even when we were all kids chasing that darn skunk around the house, LOL! Another story for another time.

Dear John,

2011-06-03T19:25:00.001-04:00

I sit here and write this letter to you because I have some things I need to say that have been festering inside me since 1998. That awful year of pain you put me through. Those lies you repeatedly told me. If only you would have been truthful about what you did to that little girl. If only you would have been truthful about being caught with that co-worker, in our bed, in MY LINGERIE! It has been too many years that I have let you control my emotions. Do you realise that I have had a very difficult time trusting men since then? Do you realise that I have been an emotional shut-in since then? I don’t think you realise just how deeply what you did affected me. I don’t even think you care and that’s alright because I WILL NOT let it control me anymore. I release all of that hurt and pain you created to the wind. I know you got what you deserved in all of that mess, now that you HAVE TO REGISTER for the rest of your life! HA!!! You should have known better. You really should have known better!

Forgiveness is something that has to be given in order for a person to move on. Well, John Bevis Norbert, I forgave you a LONG time ago. I have never forgotten and probably never will, but that’s alright. It makes me a stronger person. It makes me realise just what kind of man I need and deserve. And it damn sure ain’t someone like you! I try to remember all of the good times we had before you hurt me like you did. It’s hard at times, but there were many. I have never understood why you decided it was alright to do that to her. And why you decided that having a girl in our bed while my dad was away was alright. I will never understand that. I didn’t do anything to you to deserve that. Not one damn thing and you know it! You decided that you wanted what you wanted and went after it. Consequences be damned! Well, the consequences are your registering. You are alone, my friend, and I don’t think any woman would want you after learning about 1998.

You couldn’t honestly believe that after being reported to the child’s doctor you would get away with it! I mean, c’mon man! I always thought you were smarter than that!! Then again, you proved to me that you really weren’t all that smart. YOU LET ME GET AWAY! You actually pushed me away! I just needed you to be honest with me. Remember when we signed the divorce papers that summer? You wanted to give me a hug but I wouldn’t let you touch me. Why would I! You did everything in your power to hold me away from you. You didn’t want that marriage anymore. You had proven that. So why did you marry me anyway!? I mean, you could have saved me the heartache. Did you ever even love me? Probably not. Definitely not the way I loved you. I would have given anything to keep our marriage intact after all of that went down. You just needed to be honest about what happened and we needed to go to counseling together to get through it.

Well, you didn’t knock me down completely John! I am here to tell you that I am a stronger woman than I was back then. I am able to forgive those who did me wrong. I have managed to earn not just an Associate Degree, but a Bachelor’s and then a Master’s as well. I am making something of my life WITHOUT YOU IN IT! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I still think about you from time to time. Sometimes it’s the good memories. Other times, it’s the bad. I have googled you online and found out you have to register. I know you have been living not to far from my first, and he knows it too. I feel at times that you have been following me, but then again it’s probably just a coincidence you wound up living that close to me after I left Las Vegas. I know that no matter how far away I think I am, you may always be 2 steps behind me. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you are near me now! For your sake, I hope not.

I have so much more to say to you, but I don’t quite know how to express them at this time. Stay tuned as I am sure I will write you again! I hope you google yourself someday and find this (these) posts and you cry and cry and CRY like a baby! You deserve happiness, don’t get me wrong. But you also need to face what you did and atone for those mistakes. Not just to God, but to those you hurt! Believe me, I am not the ONLY one that got hurt through all of this. You hurt your kids a long time ago. I am sure you hurt the other women in your life before and since me. You are so fucking selfish it’s unbelievable! And you called me co-dependent. I didn’t depend on you too awful much because you really had nothing to offer other than the love I thought you had for me and the companionship we once shared. Other than that, monetarily speaking, you had NOTHING. You had children to support, and I understood and respected that. And when I got sick and you had to be called back home, I wasn’t dependent on you then. It was your duty as a spouse to come home and take care of me. Nobody else could deal with it nor could they stand to watch me lose my freaking mind. No, it really wasn’t because you were away. It’s because I KNEW you were up to no good, especially after that call from Hong Kong. The way you were begging me to forgive you. It wasn’t that you were drinking heavily. It’s that you were FUCKING around while there! I could have forgiven that too had you been honest at the time. I just hope it was only with women!

Well, enough of this rant for now! I know I will return to this at another time. And my words may be just as harsh and hurt you just as deep. And I hope they do hurt! I want you to feel the pain you caused me.

Soul Searching

2011-05-30T15:23:00.001-04:00

The past couple of weeks have been emotionally difficult for me. A lot of old, deeply buried emotions have bubbled over the surface and for the first time in about 10 years I am feeling again. I have a couple of really good friends to thank for this as I really need to feel this junk that I bottled up. The 1990s was a decade that could only be described as hell for me. This is where a lot of these emotions stem from. The things that happened to me during that decade. If I were into drugs or alcohol, I might have made it through differently. Alas, I did not resort to either vice. Instead, I buried my feelings and began the long process of isolation in 1998.

Beginning with the early part of the decade, I graduated high school in 1990. About a year later, I found myself moving to southern California and getting married to someone I barely knew. We only corresponded through letters and telephone conversations, but we connected. I was trying to runaway from the place I was in at the time. I think I saw him as my way out! Anyway, we had a really rocky first year and we were very lucky to make it as long as we did. We found ourselves arguing over anything and everything. There was a 9 year age difference, but that didn’t matter too much. We were both extremely head strong people – yet I loved him and still hold a place in my heart for him. Well, during these arguments he would tell me “It’s the Navy or your mother”. I decided to go ahead and join up. Hell, at least I would have a regular paycheck, LOL! So, in 1992, shortly before our 1 year anniversary, I found myself heading to Orlando for Boot Camp and what would turn out to be an interesting four years of my life.

I loved the Navy! I loved the way of life, the camaraderie, the work, and above all the pay. However, I slowly found myself opening up to a world of possibilities and my heart began to stray. I wasn’t a perfect wife. I didn’t really know how to cook, didn’t much care to clean (although I could and did a good job at that as I like a clean home), and found myself hating the way he spent money. I resented that above all else. I grew up with a parent who struggled to take care of us and another who we only saw during the summer and holidays. Anytime a bill was paid off, he would go and rack up the credit again with unnecessary purchases. He even conned my mom into buying him a computer (after our divorce, I wound up paying her back all the money he borrowed). We had good times too. We had our monthly, or twice monthly, D & D game weekends, friends over to watch the wrestling matches or other sports, or just hung out. Life was good, but I still wanted to experience other people. I found myself in an affair with a man and the chemistry between us was electric.

1995 saw a lot of changes in my marriage. We found ourselves pregnant after trying unsuccessfully for several years. We were elated, that is until the miscarriage. I hit a downward spiral at that point. I started sleeping around, not paying attention to him, wanting to get out. I was in the flight mode of “fight or flight”. I find myself in that mode when things get too tough for me to handle and that really was a tough spot. That Fall, he wound up going to what the Navy calls the “Fat Boy Farm”. No, he wasn’t fat, he just was out of standards and needed help. My running around didn’t help him any either. I moved out of our home during Thanksgiving and in with a man that I was sleeping with. Not the same one that I had the affair with, even though we too kept things going on and off for years. Eventually, my first marriage ended and my new life was beginning. I truly thought I found the man I could and would spend the rest of my life with. That was not to be.

I left the Navy in 1996 and married again in 1997. We had a strong, what I thought to be solid, relationship. We attended church together, he was still in the Navy, we were trying to build a business together. Then he deployed. My whole world came crashing in on me again. My mother came out to help me while he was gone (I was injured while on active duty and had issues with heavy lifting and being around some chemicals). About a month after he left, I began to spiral again. This was really bad! I wasn’t able to keep anything down, I was losing weight – FAST, I wouldn’t stop crying. I wound up having to go to a psychiatrist and they got him home from the Middle East within days. He was gone 4 of the 6 months, but it seemed like an eternity. I didn’t realise just how much I depended on him until he was gone and it just drained me emotionally and physically.

He received a discharge to take care of me, we moved to Las Vegas to live with my dad until we could get on our feet. What was supposed to be a wonderful new adventure together wound up putting me in the bowels of HELL! Within months of moving there, he began doing things that can only be described as disgusting – and that’s putting it mildly! I wound up spending 9 days at Nellis AF Base Hospital in the psych ward to get it together. I wanted to die. I didn’t want anything to do with this world anymore. The last straw was when my dad came home early from a camping trip to find him in my bed with a teenager wearing my lingerie. And then he only denied everything. (I wonder if he took his cue from the President at that time?) This was 1998 and I was finding myself going through my second divorce. I was in flight mode again and looking to get out! I wound up moving in with someone in Flagstaff (a co-worker) and we were together until 2001 when I went back to Michigan to start my college education and he went to Colorado to start his new career. I began shutting off emotionally in 1998 and only recently have allowed myself to feel anything again. Oh, I have had good times since leaving Arizona. I have had truly wonderful times, but I haven’t had the courage to open my heart to the possibility of love and having someone in my life.

So, the past few weeks have found me searching for answers. Shutting down a little bit, and opening up emotionally. I have cried and cried and cried. I cried for my dad’s illness and what we are going through right now. I have cried for my daughter, Brinea. I have even cried for my marriages and their failures. I turned 39 recently and found myself thinking “My life wasn’t supposed to be like this at this age”. But, maybe it was. Maybe it is exactly what God wanted me to go through to get to where I am today. I know there is someone for me and I really want to move on with my life and with that someone. Who he is, only God knows. But I sure hope He tells me soon, because I have never felt so alone in my life until these emotions welled up and spilled over. Words can’t describe how I feel at this moment in my life, but there are several verses that keep running through my head: Psalm 23 and I Corinthians 13:4. I also think on Job and his trials and tribulations.

With God, ALL things are possible, so I must give and let God. He knows my heart. He knows what I seek. And only He has the answer I need.

Thanks for reading this post! I don’t expect comments. I just needed to express myself and try to clear some of this from my mind, if only for today.

The week from hell, so far!

2011-05-18T18:33:00.001-04:00

Other than spending some time with a good friend this week, my week hasn’t been all that great! It started out with being called into work on Monday because a co-worker called out sick. Ok, so I had an extra day for the week. Plus, my friend came over that evening and we had a blast watching Jeff Dunham (dvd’s) and chatting. I ~~think~~ know he got a great kick out of the puppets, especially Walter and Peanut, LOL! Anyway, Tuesday morning came and I anticipated going into work around 11am. WRONG! No call, no show from the one co-worker so I got called in early. I was a bit pissed! Then, on top of everything, the emotions spilled over yesterday evening. I probably sat on my bed and cried for about two hours not really understanding what started the water works, but realised that part of it had to do with my dad’s health issue at the moment and part of it was the stuff going on at work. That’s where we get to today.

This morning, I went in (as planned) at 9am. No call, no show again! Asshole!!! Well, he did finally show his face around 10am, proceeded to pack his personal belongings and left. He actually left after I went to deliver some pieces for a funeral. When I returned I asked if he even spoke to the supervisor and she said he did. When she asked him why he was leaving he said, “It’s been real. It’s been fun.” Nothing more, nothing less. ASS! I mean, now that I am totally screwed out of having my birthday OFF this week. Oh well, at least I had a friend by me during the calming stages of my water works; for a couple hours anyway.

So, it appears that I may just be working 6 DAYS A WEEK for the rest of the summer. They are talking about asking one of our seasonals to come in a couple days a week so I can have at least 1 day off or possibly 2. I told them I am good with working 6 days, but if I can have 1 day off that would be great. We’ll see how this story plays out over the next few days/weeks. I guess I should be happy that I will be making a little more this summer than anticiapted, so THANK YOU NO CALL, NO SHOW for ADDING to my INCOME! ASSHOLE!!!

Poem A Day Challenge

2011-04-20T17:36:00.001-04:00

Sorry folks! I am finding myself at a loss for words at the moment. I promise to get caught up in the next day or so on the prompts. I think my brain is on a wee bit of overload between my dad’s doctor appointments and this busy Easter week. I am working everyday this week and most of the next two weeks (for prom and Mother’s Day) at the flower shop. For now, I will leave you with an older poem of mine:

Roll around

As we roll around

In the fields below

Our love becomes

As intense as the storm

As we roll around

In the bedroom at night

Our passions turn into

White hot ice

As we roll around

In our lovemaking play

Our desires expand

And I want him to stay

February 18, 1991

Poem a Day ~ Days 14, 15

2011-04-16T18:17:00.001-04:00

I should be caught up tomorrow. But it’s also a holiday week at the flower shop, so I may lag a bit still.

~~~~

Gossip

Spppp, spppp, spppp

Or so the whispering goes

There is nothing worse

In this world

Than a gossip

Spppp, spppp, spppp

That’s the story of the day

A big ‘ole gossip

Just whispered it in my ear.

Spppp, spppp, spppp

As it’s whispered in my ear.

Please don’t tell me

‘Cause it ain’t none of my business.

16 April 2011 ~ PAD Day 14 ~ “Ain’t none of my business”

*****

About Me

Oh, please read this little bit

It may just be a hit

But that’s what they always want

Just a little about me.

I like to use the Facebook,

But more to play the games.

So what do I write in that space?

You know, the one that says “About Me”.

Well, I like to read and write.

I take some photos too.

But cross stitch is a big hobby

That I thoroughly enjoy.

So there you go,

What can I say?

Just a little tiny bit

About me.

16 April 2011 ~ PAD Day 15 ~ Profile poem

Poem a Day ~ Days 12, 13

2011-04-13T12:09:00.001-04:00

The object for Day 12’s prompt was to write a poem using some form or anti-form. After much reading on the different forms, and contemplating trying to write a courtly love poem based on the Arab tradition, I chose to write a freestyle…for lack of better words!

Where are the words?

I don’t know what to write

Today

The words don’t seem to come.

So this will just be short and

Sweet

To write a few words for you.

13 April 2011 ~ PAD Day 12 ~ Poem Form

*****

Lingering Embrace

Your eyes embraced me

The moment we met

And held a special friendship

That only I could see.

Your smile lit up the room

As we held hands

Your grip was firm yet loving

That only I could know.

Though we’ve been apart

For many years,

The memory of your embrace

Lingers in my mind.

Poem a Day ~ Days 9, 10, 11

2011-04-11T20:10:00.001-04:00

I got a little behind on my poeming this weekend, but with good reason (see previous post about father). Here are my three poems for those days, respectively:

8:01 p.m.

“How I Met Your Mother” is now starting

Not one of my favorite shows,

But something to have on in the background.

I much prefer “Mike & Molly” and

“Two and a Half Men” ~

speaking of, can you believe they

have been moved to 9:30 p.m.?

And on that note, it is now

8:02 p.m. and I must go…

PAD Day 9

*****

Never Again

Never again will I find myself

So involved in family squabbles

That I find myself sick over it.

Then again, maybe I will.

PAD Day 10

*****

Maybe Tomorrow

Yeah, that’s something we hear a lot

“Maybe tomorrow he’ll come home.” Or

“Maybe tomorrow I’ll get those shoes.”

How about

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll find some peace.”

“Maybe tomorrow…” is a phrase

that is so overused in this world.

So, maybe tomorrow I will stop using it.

PAD Day 11

It's been a rough two weeks

2011-04-10T16:28:00.000-04:00

I took my dad to the emergency room almost two weeks ago. I am hoping he comes home tomorrow. Me and the cat sure miss him around here. Yeah, I said it. I miss him when he's gone too long. Anyway, he went in with fever and body aches. The ER doc thought it was pneumonia. Later in the morning, the floor doctor came by and said it wasn't and ordered a CAT scan. That didn't reveal anything so a colonoscopy was performed on Wednesday (the 30th). That doctor found a mass where dad had been having inflammation issues (he was diagnosed with Crohn's earlier this year after his first ever colonoscopy). Well, surgery was scheduled for last Sat morning to remove the mass. The surgeon also biopsied some spots on his liver. He has Stage IV Colon Cancer and it has spread to the liver (only reason it's classified as Stage IV). The spots are cancer but not tumors from what I am told. Chemo will begin in a couple weeks after he has time to heal and build strength. The oncologist seems optimistic about treatment, but we will get a second opinion soon.

I know he will be happy to come home too.

Poem a Day ~ Day 8 ~ Celebration

2011-04-08T15:45:00.001-04:00

the Sun

I eagerly search for you

And await your arrival

You always bring a smile

To my face

And warm my soul

The time draws closer

And my patience grows thin

As I begin to see a glimmer

Of you from afar

You peek out at me

From behind the clouds

And my heart skips a beat

As I feel your smile shine down

On me

I celebrate you, the Sun

Each and every day that you

Share your radiance

With me and embrace

My face with your warmth

Poem a Day ~ Day 7 ~ What if?

2011-04-07T14:23:00.000-04:00

What if?

What if he had gone to the doctor

When all of the stomach problems began

Would they have caught the disease

Early enough?

What if they caught the disease early enough

And he began treatment sooner,

Would he have cancer

Today?

What if he takes the chemo

Giving him a chance to live longer

Will he be around two or three

Years from now?

What if my dad died tomorrow,

Would I survive?

Poem a Day ~ Day 6 ~ Don’t _, _

2011-04-06T21:11:00.001-04:00

Don’t Die, Live

The results came back today

They are not that good, nor are they dire

They say you can fight this

And may not die, but live

They say there’s no cure

But there never seems to be a cure

And people live for years with this

A full life, a happy life

The results came back today

And we were told it is cancer

It is in the liver too – there is hope

So, don’t die, live

Poem a Day ~ Day 5 ~ Goofy/Serious

2011-04-05T21:28:00.001-04:00

My Hero

The trolley went by

For all of the visitors to see

The characters each in place

Waving as they passed by

Then she saw him,

The one with the toothy grin

And she knew she had to have

A picture of him

So she turned to her man

And gave him the camera

Telling him to run and capture

That Goofy on the back of the trolley!

Poem A Day ~ Day 4 ~ Pick a Person

2011-04-04T20:31:00.001-04:00

The Florist

The stems are carefully selected

Each with a purpose to share

As if delicate pieces of silk

They are placed into the vase.

The colors on each stem are vibrant

And tell of the season ahead

As if they share a secret while

Snuggling next to each other.

As the vase begins to fill

With the colorful stems chosen

The florist begins to smile

At the creation she has made.

Poem A Day ~ Day 3 ~ The world without me

2011-04-03T19:08:00.001-04:00

The Decision

The news is not good, dire in fact

And a decision has to be made

Is she really ready to become a mother

At such a young age?

The child was an accident, afterall

And the reason she had to get married.

Is this truly God’s will or do I get to choose?

The decision has to be made very soon

Whether to save this unborn child or not.

The young mother is at a crossroads

And can’t seem to make this decision easily.

The doctor explains that this new drug

Will stop her from losing this child.

The question is, does she really want it.

The decision is made to take the injection

And pray that God will see her through.

But what if that decision was not made?

My life would not exist as it does today.

Did the young mother make the right decision

That fateful day all those years ago?

I’d like to think so, because she is my mother.

Poem A Day ~ Day 2 ~ Postcard

2011-04-02T15:30:00.001-04:00

Zephyrhills

Just like the name implies, it’s been breezy!

The sun is shining high and the air is warm.

Wish you were here to share

All of the beauty this land holds.

Poem A Day ~ Day 1 ~ What got me here?

2011-04-01T11:13:00.001-04:00

Crossroads

The road has been long

Many hills and valleys

Rivers and streams to cross

Winding my way

To get here, where I am

There have been many hats worn

As I traveled this path

Love and laughter

Tears and pain

To get here, where I am

I have felt heartache

Along this weary road

Much more than one

Should ever feel

To get here, where I am

I am now at a crossroads

Trying to choose

The right path to follow

To get there

Where I am going

Letter to a Senator

2011-03-29T10:27:00.001-04:00

Every now and again, I receive emails that just hit the mark. Never have I shared one on my blog[s] until now:

****************************************

THIS SENIOR CITIZEN NAILED IT !!!!!
Alan Simpson, Senator from Wyoming, Co-Chair of Obama's deficit commission, calls senior citizens the Greediest Generation as he compared "Social Security" to a Milk Cow with 310 million teats. August, 2010.

Here's a response in a letter from an unknown fellow in Montana...
I think he is a little ticked off! He also tells it like it is!
------------------------------------
"Hey Alan, let's get a few things straight.
1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS.
2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old, I am now 63).
3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud.
4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goal posts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goal posts YET AGAIN.
5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills.
6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt.

To add insult to injury, you label us "greedy" for calling "bullshit" on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU.

1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?
2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?
3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?
4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political coconspirators called Congress who are the "greedy" ones. It is you and your fellow nut cases who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That's right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it. And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch.

If you like the way things are in America, delete this. If you agree with what a fellow Montana citizen says, PASS IT ON!!!!

*************************************

I think many people feel the same as this Montana citizen does. I don’t expect you to copy and paste to you blog, but feel free to if so inclined! I simply wanted to share something with you, my readers, that I thought you may enjoy (or not).

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

2011-03-17T12:06:00.001-04:00

May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do–
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.

Borrowed from: http://www.irishsayings.org/may-st-patrick-guard-you-wherever-you-go/806

Family Junk

2011-03-14T18:13:00.000-04:00

I call this post "Family Junk" because that's exactly what it is. A lot of junk! My family ~~can be~~ is very dysfunctional. I was hoping we would be able to outgrow some of the junk, but obviously we cannot. I know that no family is perfect. They all have issues, but the issue(s) I am dealing with hurt so very much. I have NO ONE to talk to about how I feel about certain things and when I do all I get is "Oh well" in a real sarcastic tone or "It's just that age". Ok, so she's growing up, but I am so sick and tired of not getting my phone calls returned, being added and deleted from Facebook friend's list, and the snotty attitude. My heart is broken over the way I am treated by this one. I have spent three evenings now in tears and I know I shouldn't be this upset. But I am!

Like I said, I have no one to talk to about this so here I am on my blog venting my frustrations. I am not going to allow comments on this post because I don't want them. I just need a place to vent (and I know that certain people will see this and be upset and I am sorry but it is what it is and until the situation is remedied I have this as the only place to go). A part of me feels that if I just give her space she will come to me when she needs me or wants me. Another part of me feels like "screw you, you little brat" and if and when she needs/wants me maybe I won't be there for her. Yeah, that's a wrong way to handle it but it's how I feel. I really do love her and care about her a lot - maybe too much.

I still wonder if she is mad at me for moving to Florida. It's not like I am her mother. I am just the Aunt. She knows she can come and visit whenever during the summer. She knows that grandpa and I would love to have her here with us for a few weeks during her summer holiday. I relish my time with her and when she pushes me away it really, really hurts. I would almost rather be dead than feel the way I do when she does that, but it's only the way I feel.

They say that time heals all wounds, well we will just have to see about that because this one is gaping and painful!

And Baby makes 6!

2011-03-02T09:02:00.000-05:00

I am now the proud Grand-Aunt of 6 great nieces and nephews! The latest addition to our ever-growing family is Maislin "Maisy" Rosalee. She was born on January 14th. Here are some pictures:

Maisy and Grandma

Maisy and Grandpa

Maisy and Mama

Maisy and Great-Aunt Julie

Maisy and Great-Grandpa

Senses

2011-03-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

Senses

It is so easy to give in

I’ve wanted to give in

For so long, even though

I know what the

Consequences would be

Temptation is there

And extremely hard to resist

The scent smells so sweet

The touch, so divine

If only I could taste

Of the fruit

Then the senses

Would be complete

July 26, 1993

2/4/1924

2011-02-04T11:41:00.001-05:00

That is the date that she was born

She would be 87 years young today

But her life ended too soon

And all I have left are the memories

Barbara Anne

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The days spent with her during my youth

The nights cuddled in her arms

The weekend or week long trips to the Lake

And posing for pictures that she took

A woman of great strength

But not too proud to ask when needed

2/4/1924

That was the date that she was born

sometimes

2010-11-06T20:48:00.002-04:00

Sometimes

Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why did you fall in love with me
It’s a question that seems to be
On my mind a lot lately
Your bright smile and tender hugs
Fill me with a passion
That I never knew was there

Sometimes I sit and wonder
Is this too good to be true
We really have no differences
But those we do have
Are not hard to miss
And the faults that we have
Are really not hard to overlook

Sometimes I sit and look at you
And it’s really plain to see
I fell in love with you
And all the reasons why
I cannot live without you
For if I must I’d surely die

1996

Natures Beauty

2010-11-01T20:55:00.001-04:00

natures beauty

fields and fields
of wildflowers so gay
dance in the winds
in the early spring day
they run and they play

oceans and oceans
of waters so blue
what a beautiful painting
what a beautiful day

mountains and mountains
of hills so green
flatlands and grasslands
what a vision to see

so many things
in this world to see
so many things
in this world to love

December 14, 1990

The Hardest Thing…

2010-09-21T17:53:00.001-04:00

…about moving to Florida several years ago is not being close enough to visit my niece whenever I want. Now, she is becoming a teenager, although not officially until next February, and is starting to show more independence. I am missing her so much. She was a huge part of my life from 2001 until 2006 when I moved away. I only get to see her when she comes down during summer vacation for about a month or so, or when I go to visit my family in MI. That’s not enough in my heart, but in my mind it is what it is.

There were several factors which led to my decision to leave Michigan. The main factor is my family here. I never got to spend much time with my paternal grandparents and now with only one grandparent remaining, dad’s mom, I felt the need to be closer to her. She will be 85 years young next month and I am lucky to still have her in my life. My father also lives in FL, as does my sister and her family, several cousins, aunts and uncles. Another factor was the weather. I was never one for colder temps and I spent 10 years in the desert southwest (Cali, Las Vegas, and Northern AZ). Returning to MI in 2001 and spending those long cold winters there was difficult on my psych and my health – I get bronchitis rather easily and have only dealt with it once in the last 4 years while dealing with it every year I was in MI. No, I don’t have COPD.

Since moving down here, I have been let go from 2 very good jobs. The first one was at the end of my probation period. I think they just wanted to bring the girl I replaced back after her maternity leave and made excuses. The other one lasted almost 2 years and I was blindsided by that one. I won’t go into details here in blog-land, but it’s been a rough 2 years since that last termination. I really have no desire to work a full time job at this moment in my life, but I know that I need to so that I may become more independent. I have my Master’s of Art degree, finally, and will hopefully find a full time job within the next year. Whether it is here in Central FL or somewhere in between, only time will tell.

This past week has been an especially emotional week for me and missing my niece is not helping at all. She is a couple of years younger than what my daughter would have been (Brinea would be 15 this Dec), which is probably a big reason I became so attached to her. She is the light of my life and I know she knows how much I adore her. I only hope she doesn’t push me away too much because right now my heart is hurting. And knowing how I am responding to her growing independence I am thankful to the Lord for taking my daughter when he did because I don’t think I could have handled it at all.

Ok, that’s enough of my sob story for now. I just needed to vent somewhere and I don’t expect comments. Thank you for reading…

Never Forget...

2010-09-11T15:53:00.000-04:00

Please view this blog for my thoughts and experience on 9/11!

Welcome to this world!

2010-08-25T17:43:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post to let you, my readers, know that my grand-nephew was born yesterday afternoon (August 24, 2010). Please help me welcome Justin James Barnhardt to the world:

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The handsome fella holding him is my nephew and his daddy, of course!

David

2010-07-08T22:30:00.003-04:00

I try not to post sad family news to my blogs but I just can't help it this time. You see, my cousin is dying. He had a very rough life being a kid of the 1960s and 70s. He's been terminal for several years owing this to his previous lifestyle. He recently had an operation on his intestines and was readmitted this past weekend with an infection around the staples used to suture him. When they opened him up, they noticed not only the infection but that his intestines were reversed. This makes me think that something went terribly wrong with the surgery, but I only learned about this through "second hand news". And my source learned from his daughter who is absolutely devastated at the thought of losing her daddy. (she's 18).

I am sad that my cousin is dying. I am sad that I cannot be there to say goodbye. I am sad for my uncle and the one brother who have not yet gone to visit him (in spite of their differences and/or falling out they SHOULD go). I know the my uncle and the cousin will regret not seeing David one last time. I know they will regret not saying goodbye. I only pray that God places it upon their hearts to go to the hospital before it's too late.

I would like you to meet my cousin David:

Langlois Family Reunion 2001 - Saint Johns, MI

I may not have known him very well, but what I do know from meeting him the few times I did in recent years is that he really is a kind-hearted person. And he really has made an effort to change his life and live to the best of his abilities.

My mom, aunts, and uncle did go to visit with him this evening. As he's in ICU they have limits on visitation times to allow the patients to rest. The way I see it, the patient may need rest, but they need the love from their families too. Anyway, they got there around 7pm and the nurse came in before the end of visiting hours (which was 7:30pm) and asked them to leave. My cousin told the nurse "I haven't seen these people in 5 years since my sister died" and began to cry. I think his sister has been gone only 2 or 3 years because she passed rather unexpectedly after I moved to FL and I came here in 2006. Well, my mom, aunts, and uncle were allowed to remain until visiting hours ended. My mom and he were really close growing up (they are also close in age, so that played a big part in it) and even though they are aunt and nephew I truly believe they were good friends too. I am so glad she was able to go and say goodbye.

When he does finally cross over, he will be rejoined with his mother and sister as well as grandma and grandpa. Love you cuz! And when you do arrive, please give them all a great big hug from me. (((HUGS)))

*Updated 7/12/10: Found out that my cousin is being released to his home under hospice soon. Hospital is putting a feeding tube in as well. Happy news that he will be home and a bit more comfortable surrounded by family and loved ones!

**Updates 2/4/11: I spent some time with David over the Holidays and he was doing remarkably well! Much better than the doctors anticipated. I found out recently that he is being taken off of Hospice care, although he will continue to have a visiting nurse to assist with his cath bags. God is great!!!

Lessons in Life

2010-04-25T12:07:00.001-04:00

Life Lessons

Sometimes you have to make mistakes

That is the only way you can learn

Everyone makes mistakes during their life

Not everyone will learn from them.

Life lessons can be painful

They can also be welcoming

Life lessons can push you down

But you have to bring yourself back up.

Sometimes the mistakes you make

Are silly and so mundane

Other times those same mistakes

Can put you to your shame.

Life lessons can be burdensome

They can weigh heavy on your heart

Life lessons can push you down

And it seems there is no way up.

Sometimes you have to make mistakes

The biggest of them all

And hopefully you will learn to deal

With painful lessons in life.

25 April 2010

Wesley Chapel Art Show

2010-04-13T23:01:00.002-04:00

I want to share with you one of the artist’s I met at the Wesley Chapel (FL) Art Show over the weekend. His name is Rob Kaz and you can visit his website here. What drew me to him was a rather large painting of a frog. Now, the frog lover that I am, I had to step into his booth and browse through the prints he had for sale. I wound up purchasing two of them: “Nightlight” and “Hey You”. There was at least one other, but I painfully passed on it this time. Please take a moment to check out his website and Gallery to view his artwork and especially the pieces that drew me to his booth.

With that said, I wrote a children’s book several years back tentatively called “Froggy Frog meets Slimey Snail”. The only thing lacking are the illustrations; a good friend of mine offered to assist in the artwork. It is actually a book that could very well turn into a series and will most likely include educational packets geared toward the first and/or second grade. As a poet, I was wary about sharing this little story with anyone as I didn’t think it compared to my poetry. It was a former teacher’s assistant who suggested the educational packets/lesson plans and marketing toward a specific age group. Thank you to her for that insight! I have had nothing but good comments, but for now I will leave it a mystery as I don’t want my work taken from me.

Here is a short excerpt to whet your appetite:

“Froggy lived in a pond.
His favorite spot was on a lily pad.
From his lily pad, Froggy could see the whole world.”

Last year, during the April Poem a Day Challenge, I wrote a haiku about this character. I will repost it here:

Froggy Frog

Froggy Frog is here

Sitting on his lily pad;

Where is Slimey Snail?

April 21, 2009 ~ Haiku

Well, thanks for visiting me. I hope you enjoyed your stay!

Every Song

2010-03-22T17:03:00.000-04:00

Every song

Every song I hear

Is a song of life

The life I once knew

The life I once lived

All bring back

Memories

Of yesterday

When I was alone

To be my own person

With no complaints

No worries

No fears

November 21, 1992

It seems that the past few years have been hard on many people, not just here at home, but around the world. With the conflicts/wars going on in the Middle East, Mother Nature's terrible fury, and the state of the economic world, fear and worry are the mainstay of our lives. When I first moved to Florida in 2006, I was not afraid of not having a job for any long period of time. I actually found a decent job right away. That one lasted about 3 months and then I was let go, for no apparent reason and was told I did nothing wrong. (This state is an "at-will" employment state which means that you can be fired for smiling at someone.) I was out of work for a couple of months before I decided to get back in the collections game. Well, I couldn't stomach that type of work and the company I worked for, ever so briefly, so I quit. Then I got hired on at one of the career colleges in Tampa. It was a great job! I loved interacting with the students and many of them (if not most) really enjoyed stopping by my desk to say "Hello". This job was rewarding in so many ways and I really don't know what happened, but one day I was called into the Campus Director's office and my immediate supervisor proceeded to fire me. Again, to no fault of my own, so I was told. That was July, 2008! Since then, I have had fears and worries about my financial situation, especially since I was the sole provider for me and my dad for 2008 after his heart attack. Fortunately, I am still receiving unemployment, but I don't count on it cause one never knows...and my father is on SSDI since he can no longer work (he was in construction for over 30 years).

As a disabled veteran, I receive some benefits including medical and disability, so for that I am thankful. Part of the medical included is mental health and I have really needed it over the past year or so. I got fired in July 2008, on a Tuesday. My 17 year-old-cat had to be euthanized a few days later on Friday (due to kidney failure). She was soon replaced by a kitten, so full of life and love. She died unexpectedly one year after the older cat. That was last July (2009). All of this while I have been slowly working on my Master's Thesis (I began in the Fall of 2007). Going to therapy monthly has helped me keep it together, but I have noticed (and have been told that others have noticed too) that my depression has gotten worse. I find myself wondering if this was the right choice for me, to move to Florida. Now, I have a grandma and my sister who live close by and they were a huge reason I chose to move here. I am a semester away from completing my thesis and am now in the process of looking diligently for gainful employ.

I don't expect to have a full-time job until I am through school. My options will be more open at that point as I would like to get into the education field somehow. Either teaching at a public school or college-level teaching. I have also thought about trying to get into a research or assistant's position with a local history professor. Other options include starting my own business as a photographer or with my sister in the floral industry. One of the decisions I have to make is where to look. Do I stay close to home or "cast a wider net"? I am considering the latter as it will open up more doors for me in the education field. I would consider relocating for the right job/salary, but not further north than VA, and keeping along the southeastern coast area.

Well, those are my thoughts for now. I began this post with a poem fitting to my mood. I love music and there are certain songs that I hear that just bring out all of my worries. And there are still others that remind me of a better time in my life, when I was gainfully employed with no fear of being fired. A life that was shared with a special someone (who I still hold dear to my heart). I don't sit and cry over my life because I have no regrets on my decisions. I have been worried about certain aspects of my life and have fears of never finding a good job allowing me to FINALLY live on my own again. I worry that my dad's health will worsen and I will be forced to stay with him (he is a heart patient after having a quad bypass in Feb 2008). But most of all, I worry about being alone and "closed in" the rest of my life.

Searching for love

2010-03-19T12:11:00.000-04:00

Searching for love

He's out there

In the night sky

Searching for the place

That place

Where his love can be shared

He's out there

Among the stars

Mingling

To find the perfect one

To find his only one

He's out there

In the trees

Brushing

With the leaves

As his search continues for love

He's out there

Trying to find

Peace

With his neighbors, to end

All the hate and sadness he sees

April 7, 1991

love and pain

2010-02-22T15:40:00.001-05:00

Well, I figure I will go back to sharing some of my older writing. It has been a long time since I posted anything from that time. The following is a poem written while I was in high school. It talks about the decision I made to go against my father in choosing who I dated. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time and make a different decision; that is a decision to keep that person in my life. I am thankful to have him back in my life now (and over the past several years). He is a dear friend!

love and pain

my heart yearns to be free

from all the pain I feel today

to love someone the way I do

is beautiful in every way

I feel your touch

I feel your stare

my love for you

is everywhere

candles burn bright

candles burn low

the love that's in my heart

will always glow

my heart yearns to be free

to make my own choice

my choice to be in love

or my choice to be in pain

that choice is you...

October 30, 1989

*Out of respect for him and his family, I will not post a picture to go with this poem. Thanks for stopping by!

And now she's 12

2010-02-07T12:53:00.004-05:00

My niece, Ariel, turns 12 today! I wish I could spend the day with her, but alas she is too far away. She lives in MI with her dad (my bro) and I live in FL. So, I wrote her a poem and mailed it in a card that I created for her using a small cross stitch pattern. Here is the card and poem:

Flutterby Butterfly

Beautiful little girl

Unpretentious, but with style

Truly amazing,

Talented, and bright

Epitome of her daddy, but

Really coming into her own

Feel the wings behind you

Leaving a childhood too soon

You really shouldn’t let life

Be a flutterby.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

2010-02-04T11:53:00.007-05:00

Today is the anniversary of the birth of my grandma. To be precise, the 86th anniversary of her birth! I miss her so much every day, but fondly remember the times spent with her. Whether it be at the house in St. Johns or the cottage on Lake George, I always loved being with grandma. You see, this woman taught me how to really live. She taught me about music and cameras. She taught me how to have an open mind. She gave me the courage to do what I wanted, what was right for me. I may have made some mistakes through the years, but at the time it seemed right to me. SO, to honor her memory, here is a little something from me to her:

Me and my grandma on June 1, 1990 - Boone High School Graduation - Orlando

A beautiful woman, through and through

Auburn hair, tightly curled

Always with a smile on her face

Always with arms open wide

A gal full of sass, through and through

Bright red lips, wrinkled with time

Always ready to share a good laugh

Always ready to comfort wet eyes

A lady of talent, through and through

Camera in hand, stories to tell

Always aiming to shoot a pretty flower

Always aiming to snap a cute bug

In memory of my grandma, Barbara Anne Langlois

On the 86^th anniversary of her birth

Wednesday Poetry Prompt ~ Poetic Asides

2010-01-27T13:21:00.003-05:00

State of the Union

The romance was long and sweet

The courtship – loving and pure

She longed for the day when

He would hold her in his arms again

But knew it would be too long

The state of the union was short

Too short for love to grow full

Too short for their life to grow strong

The wedding was beautiful and white

With fragrance of love in the air

He longed for the day when

She would take his name

But knew that for now had to do

The state of the union was short

Too short for his name to be hers

Too short for their life to be one

The marriage was short and harsh

The ending – such a surprise

They never knew the day would come

When their hands would no longer touch

The state of their union was short

The state of their union was sweet

The state of their union is done.

27 January 2010 ~ Poetic Asides Wednesday prompt

Translation Project

2010-01-22T22:53:00.004-05:00

As you may have read in my profile, I am a graduate student. Part of my degree requirement is a course called "Applications". It is all about experiential learning. Well, for this semester, I chose to do a project as one of my assignments for the second part of this class. I decided to take several of my poems, translate them into French, and bind them in a book in the Medieval Islamic fashion. Here are some snaps of my project:

'Tis the time of year again

2009-12-24T15:37:00.002-05:00

‘Tis the time of year again

when thoughts go out to you;

The ones we hold so near and dear

the ones who live so far.

The time of year when family gathers

and friends come into town;

The time of year when dreams come true

and wishes are abound.

Wishing you a very merry,

a holiday full of cheer;

Hoping you and yours are well

and happy through the year.

Merry Christmas!

Just stuff...

2009-12-14T18:12:00.003-05:00

I have been busy with my thesis and a translation project over the past couple of weeks. Not to mention getting some cross-stitching done so I could mail them out to family in Michigan. I did manage to write a poem for a Christmas card at my sister's request. I will post it on Christmas Day for all to enjoy!

Until then, feel free to check out my other crafty blogs:

Julie's Creations
Photographs by Julie - this is a new blog!!!

And for those interested, here's the link to my thesis blog:

House of Wisdom and the Abbasid Caliphate

Chapbook Challenge

2009-11-05T11:55:00.003-05:00

Well, those of you involved in that challenge may have noticed I "disappeared". I have decided to not do this challenge as my studies in graduate school are becoming more demanding. I had to give up something, and this was the obvious choice. As I feel the need to be creative with words, I will definitely post the poems here.

2009 PAD Chapbook Challenge has begun

2009-11-02T16:40:00.004-05:00

Here are the first two poems I have written for the challenge:

November 1, 2009

Entering Something New

A new universe

A new sound

A new smell

We enter something new

A new sight

A new feeling

A new world

We enter something new

The old is long

but forgotten

The old is nowhere

to be found

As we enter something new...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

November 2, 2009

The Canon’s End

Standing on top of the hill

the canon points forward

Aimed for the enemy at hand

I stand there and wait for the order

And when the order is called

I light the fuse and look on

The canon points toward the advance

As I stare down its barrel and watch

And then the fuse hits her mark

and "Boom!" the ball is shot out

Soaring away from us all

Yet, I stare down the barrel and stall.

New Challenge begins November 1st!

2009-10-17T13:27:00.002-04:00

I just want to pass along the link to a new challenge that I will be participating in beginning November 1st. As with the previous challenge (in April), I will also post my poems on this blog. Keep your eyes open for new writing!!

2009 November PAD Chapbook Challenge

If any of you who read this blog are poets and want to participate, just click on the link and sign up. It's free and inspiring!

Mrs. Beasley

2009-07-15T10:42:00.005-04:00

For the Poetry Challenge 2009 I wrote a poem about my cat, Mrs. Beasley. At this time I want to update my readers to the event of her untimely death. Recently, Beasley became extremely ill. All of her blood work came back normal, with the exception of a little toxicity. She was hospitalized for several days to receive IV fluids and antibiotics. After several days, I brought her home in hopes she would soon return to normal. Alas, she deteriorated even more. While the exact illness is unknown, it was hard to watch her health decline to a state where she could no longer walk or stand very well. I did the humane thing and took her to the vet to be taken care of. I have probably gone through all of the stages of grief, but am still so very sad that she is no longer with us. I miss her deeply, but I am thankful for the time we had together. Right now, I am trying to let my heart heal from her loss (and realized that I am still grieving the loss of Emerald; she died after 17 years last summer).

Mrs. Beasley

Some might think she’s a doll

Just by hearing her name

In reality, she’s a cat

Yet a doll just the same.

I went to adopt a new kitten

When I lost my dear old friend

(I had her for 17 years)

I had my heart set on another

But she chose us instead.

When the kennel was opened

She leaped out with a bound

I watched in amazement

With the bond that she found.

Mrs. Beasley is now

Just shy of a year

She’s fun and she’s playful

And has filled a void right here.

(On July 6, 2009, Mrs. Beasley succumbed to an unknown illness.

Rest in Peace Baby Girl!)

April 4, 2009 ~ Animal Poem

Poem A Day Challenge ~ Days 28-30

2009-04-30T17:18:00.002-04:00

The Cat and the Canary

Once there was a cat

Who loved to purr and meow

And also shared a song

With a yellow canary

And though they weren’t playful

They were truly friends.

And though they were friends

This bird and this cat

All they wanted was to be playful

And so the cat would meow

Loudly to the caged canary

And the two would sing their song.

And while it was a beautiful song

That the two shared as friends

The little yellow canary

And the pretty little cat,

While the cat continued to meow,

Found a way one day to be playful.

And now they could be playful

And sing their lovely song

While the cat continued to meow

Alongside his pretty friend

The friend of the cat

Was really a canary.

And though the canary

Enjoyed being playful

With his new friend, the cat

They continued to sing their song

And continued to be friends

While the cat continued to meow.

And while the cat continued to meow

To his pal the yellow canary

And the two became good friends

And found a way to be playful

They still sang their song

The canary and the cat.

I would love to hear the cat and his meow

As he sings his song with the yellow canary

And they become more playful and lifelong friends.

April 28, 2009 ~ Sestina Poem

***********************************************

Never Mind

…And I was walking along the street

Looking for just the right thing

Are you paying attention to me?

Oh, never mind!

…I was talking on the phone with my friend

And we were making plans for the weekend.

Are you paying attention to me?

Oh, never mind!

Do you like this shirt?

Would you wear those shoes?

What do you want for supper tonight?

Oh, never mind!

Why don’t you hear me?

When will you see me?

Oh, never mind!

I am leaving you anyway.

April 29, 2009 ~ “Never _____” Poem

***********************************************

Farewell

There are so many ways to say farewell:

Farewell, so long, adieu

Au Revoir, adios, goodbye

Cheerio, aloha, ma’a’salama

Well, you get my meaning.

Farewell is not forever, but for now

We will meet again, I am sure

So until that time arrives for us

I will simply say, “’Til then…”

April 30, 2009 ~ Farewell Poem

A Day in The Life Of Me

2011: The year that can’t end soon enough!

Meet Me on Monday ~ Christmas Edition

Wrapping Paper

Artificial

Usually Thanksgiving weekend, but definitely by December 1st!

New Year’s weekend

Um, that would be a big NO!

Does Joseph, Mary, Baby Jesus and the 3 Wise Frogs count? LOL…I don’t think I have one,

but will get one whenever I finally have my own home.

“It’s A Wonderful Life” is my all-time favorite Christmas movie.

Gingerbread Men

I don’t know. Probably at a dining room table somewhere, lol!

Location changes every year.

Angel

Crowds

Um, that would also be a big NO!

I love seeing the Christmas Decorations.

Tradition has always been to open a small gift on Christmas Eve

and everything else on Christmas morning. (Yes, that’s me)

If I were buying presents, yes I typically do still wrap on the Eve.

This year, nope, because I am not buying gifts.

A Little Re-rendition of an old favorite!

O Sparty tree, o Sparty tree

Your Green and White delights me!

You’re Green when summer days are long

You’re White when winter goes by slow

O Sparty tree, O Sparty tree

Your Green and White delights me!

Meet Me on Monday

Meet Me on Monday

A New Job!

Job Hunting

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

I know you read this from time to time, lol.

10 Years Later…

Tuesday’s Show & Tail

Meet Me on Monday

Have You Seen Me?

Meet Me On Monday w/ Never Growing Old

Meet Me on Monday

Clarity in the Chaos

Been sad too long…

If it’s not one thing…

Dear John,

Soul Searching

The week from hell, so far!

Poem A Day Challenge

Poem a Day ~ Days 14, 15

Poem a Day ~ Days 12, 13

Poem a Day ~ Days 9, 10, 11

It's been a rough two weeks

Poem a Day ~ Day 8 ~ Celebration

Poem a Day ~ Day 7 ~ What if?

Poem a Day ~ Day 6 ~ Don’t _____, _____

Poem a Day ~ Day 5 ~ Goofy/Serious

Poem A Day ~ Day 4 ~ Pick a Person

Poem A Day ~ Day 3 ~ The world without me

Poem A Day ~ Day 2 ~ Postcard

Poem A Day ~ Day 1 ~ What got me here?

Letter to a Senator

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Family Junk

And Baby makes 6!

Senses

2/4/1924

sometimes

Natures Beauty

The Hardest Thing…

Never Forget...

Welcome to this world!

David

Lessons in Life

Wesley Chapel Art Show

Every Song

Searching for love

love and pain

And now she's 12

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Wednesday Poetry Prompt ~ Poetic Asides

Poem a Day ~ Day 6 ~ Don’t _, _