Life Goes On…

Well, it’s been a little over 2 months since daddy passed away. I still miss him and probably will for some time to come. But life does go on as I am finding. I started my new job last week and am finding it fulfilling. I am working with veteran’s; a part of society that holds a special place in my heart for many reasons, not the least of which is my being a veteran. Yes, it’s better pay than I was making working in Corrections. This affords me being able to stay in Florida for a bit longer.

Now, to find a personal life, lol!

That being said, the holidays are approaching and I may post a bit more frequently as I navigate through my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without daddy. And I think about my daughter on what should have been her 16th birthday at the end of the year. I have strength through God to get me through.

Life and such

Disclaimer: DON’T CRY MAMA!

I was doing the dishes earlier this evening and about fell out. I really expected my dad to come into the kitchen and can’t figure out why. It’s nothing unusual, especially now that he’s gone, for me to do the dishes at least a couple times a week (I don’t dirty that many and can get pretty lazy about it).

This past Sunday, Amazing Grace was played during the worship service. I started crying. When I got home, I balled for a good 15 minutes or so. I really miss my dad.

I know I shouldn’t, but I have been feeling a little bad not having spent more time sitting in the living room with him these past few years. For my part, it was mainly because we didn’t watch the same things on television. So, I would escape into my bedroom and do my own thing. Now, I did sit and eat supper with him, most nights. It was on those nights when he was watching something disgusting (i.e. animals tearing each other apart, fish being gutted, etc.) that I had to leave and take dinner in my room.

Even now, I fight the tears as much as possible. Not because I have no feeling, but because I hate the feeling of being vulnerable. Plus, I am scared that if I start, I won’t stop and the Bell’s Palsy will come back.

Am I wrong, or is it pretty stupid to ask “So Julie, is it weird being home with your dad gone?” I mean, my co-worker may have good intentions in mind, but is she really that stooo-pid?! Before you make up your mind on an answer, let me tell you that it is a resounding YES! And not just for the stupid questions she keeps asking me, but because she doesn’t even know how to do her job.

Sandy, my 3 year old tan cat, has been more vocal than ever lately. I don’t think she has made this much noise since we got her in 2009!

My best friend recently told me she wished I would move back to Michigan. She wants me to see her son grow up (he’s not quite 1 yet). I miss her a lot, as well as others in my family and a couple other friends. But I really miss Christine. She was not just my buddy, but my scrap-buddy! (NO MOM, I am not moving back to Michigan. However, I may wind up halfway between if I lose my job with privatization looming, lol). It would be nice to be closer to her and my other family and friends.

Surreal

The past week and a half has been somewhat surreal to me. I am having a hard to dealing with the loss of my daddy. I expect him to be here when I get home. I expect to see his face. Yet he is not here. I know that in time my heart will heal from this loss and it will be easier to cope. Right now, I am thankful that my family and friends have been there for me when I need to just chat. I am grateful to my online friends for leaving sweet thoughts and comments on my posts here and on my cross-stitch blog.

This weekend has been especially hard for me. A lot of realisations are setting in. My finances aren't the greatest and I know it will be a struggle for a while, but I also know that I can weather this storm just fine. I am trying to make the home I have lived in for the past 6+ years mine, but I also don't want to take away from the fact that it was my dad's. The biggest obstacle I will face in the coming weeks and months is not a financial one but a personal one. For the first time in my life, I will be completely independent of anyone. I am so scared! I have a nagging fear that I will fall flat on my face, lol. At the same time, I have been wanting to be independent for a long time now.

With God's help, I will make it through this challenge with little scarring and a much stronger person.

Isaiah 12:2 (NASB)

"Behold, God is my salvation, 

I will trust and not be afraid; 

For the Lord God is my strength and song, 

 And He has become my salvation."

Home and resting

Dad came home yesterday afternoon. He is now under hospice care. He decided he is done taking chemotherapy and just wants to let the cancer run its course. He’s been spending most of the time sleeping either in his recliner or in his bed. This whole ordeal has been so hard on me emotionally. I am losing my dad and my best friend all in one fell swoop. Sometimes I don’t understand why God deals hardships on people, but then again I have to believe there is a reason. I KNOW there is a reason HE does things the way He does. I lift my dad up to the Lord in hopes that he suffers little pain over these last few days of his life. He’s been telling me for a couple months now that he feels the end of his life is near. He knows his body better than anyone with the exception of God Himself.

As for myself, I am tired. Exhausted. Emotional (although not really showing it right now). Trying to figure out my next path in life. One major decision I have made is that I will stay where I am and have my grandma move in with me. If I cut down to the bare minimums on cable and phone I should be able to pull it off. Plus, my grandma will chip in a little to help pay expenses. She will also have more peace of mind in that she won’t have to live alone anymore. I just wish this were under better circumstances.

How am I dealing? I am trying to keep my mind occupied with my cross stitching, reading the Bible, and playing games on the computer. Mundane. Sure. For the most part. However, as I was reading in Revelations yesterday I learned something and that makes a difference in the way I look at a certain part of my life history. No, I won’t share the details. I just have a better understanding of HIS reasoning during that time.

I did learn something very interesting from my dad this past week. His favorite Bible verse (well, chapter really) is Psalm 23. I think many people like that one and consider it a favorite. For me, it was the first verse[s] that I memorised. My mom had a gold-plated plaque hanging on the bathroom wall and well, I won’t elaborate, but it made for good reading!

Daddy, part 2

Well, dad went into the hospital again over the weekend. I feel like the end is closer than I want to believe. My feelings have kind of been confirmed, but I will know more tomorrow morning when I meet with one of his doctor’s. His survival rate is less than 6 months at this point. All I can do is pray for a miracle and I do believe HE performs them all the time. The doctor’s are suggesting we get hospice involved now rather than wait until we absolutely need them involved. This will better prepare us for the end, which is inevitable. We have known for more than a year that he is terminal. Somehow, hearing an actual prognosis gives it more meaning. This whole time we have been going along in the treatment process unaware of just how bad it was getting.

I am not sure if this is because we weren’t given all of the information or if it wasn’t sinking in. Either way, I am not too happy with the treatment he has been getting and haven’t been for a while now. I am glad that we are getting, what seems to be, better information now.

God give us the strength to carry on and allow for our hearts and minds to be at peace with Your decision for daddy.

Daddy

Those of you who read this blog, or my cross-stitch blog, know that my dad is battling colon cancer. He’s had his ups and downs over the past few months. His CT and PET scans recently showed significant growth in his liver. Other than that, the cancer cells have appeared to stop growing at least. There is a problem with his liver because of the cancer right now which sucks. He was supposed to start treatment plan #4 this week, but that is put on hold for now. He sees another specialist tomorrow to see what can be done about an apparent blockage. Hopefully the doctor can place a stent and we can move forward.

Dad in Michigan, July 2012

Normally, I don’t ask for this, but I am asking for your prayers. The oncologist hasn’t really given a prognosis other than the “no cure” statement we already knew about. However, dad asked her today what his survival rate might be. She said worst case is 6 mos. to 1 year; best case is 3 years. A lot is up to God. Some of it is up to dad and how long he wants to continue treatment (we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it). For now, he is in good spirits and going forward as long as possible.

Now for the PSA: if you have a history of colon cancer in your family or are age 40 or older, please go and get checked. The sooner this kind of cancer is caught and dealt with, the better your chances are of surviving!