Life Goes On…

Well, it’s been a little over 2 months since daddy passed away. I still miss him and probably will for some time to come. But life does go on as I am finding. I started my new job last week and am finding it fulfilling. I am working with veteran’s; a part of society that holds a special place in my heart for many reasons, not the least of which is my being a veteran. Yes, it’s better pay than I was making working in Corrections. This affords me being able to stay in Florida for a bit longer.

Now, to find a personal life, lol!

That being said, the holidays are approaching and I may post a bit more frequently as I navigate through my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without daddy. And I think about my daughter on what should have been her 16th birthday at the end of the year. I have strength through God to get me through.

Life and such

Disclaimer: DON’T CRY MAMA!

I was doing the dishes earlier this evening and about fell out. I really expected my dad to come into the kitchen and can’t figure out why. It’s nothing unusual, especially now that he’s gone, for me to do the dishes at least a couple times a week (I don’t dirty that many and can get pretty lazy about it).

This past Sunday, Amazing Grace was played during the worship service. I started crying. When I got home, I balled for a good 15 minutes or so. I really miss my dad.

I know I shouldn’t, but I have been feeling a little bad not having spent more time sitting in the living room with him these past few years. For my part, it was mainly because we didn’t watch the same things on television. So, I would escape into my bedroom and do my own thing. Now, I did sit and eat supper with him, most nights. It was on those nights when he was watching something disgusting (i.e. animals tearing each other apart, fish being gutted, etc.) that I had to leave and take dinner in my room.

Even now, I fight the tears as much as possible. Not because I have no feeling, but because I hate the feeling of being vulnerable. Plus, I am scared that if I start, I won’t stop and the Bell’s Palsy will come back.

Am I wrong, or is it pretty stupid to ask “So Julie, is it weird being home with your dad gone?” I mean, my co-worker may have good intentions in mind, but is she really that stooo-pid?! Before you make up your mind on an answer, let me tell you that it is a resounding YES! And not just for the stupid questions she keeps asking me, but because she doesn’t even know how to do her job.

Sandy, my 3 year old tan cat, has been more vocal than ever lately. I don’t think she has made this much noise since we got her in 2009!

My best friend recently told me she wished I would move back to Michigan. She wants me to see her son grow up (he’s not quite 1 yet). I miss her a lot, as well as others in my family and a couple other friends. But I really miss Christine. She was not just my buddy, but my scrap-buddy! (NO MOM, I am not moving back to Michigan. However, I may wind up halfway between if I lose my job with privatization looming, lol). It would be nice to be closer to her and my other family and friends.

Home and resting

Dad came home yesterday afternoon. He is now under hospice care. He decided he is done taking chemotherapy and just wants to let the cancer run its course. He’s been spending most of the time sleeping either in his recliner or in his bed. This whole ordeal has been so hard on me emotionally. I am losing my dad and my best friend all in one fell swoop. Sometimes I don’t understand why God deals hardships on people, but then again I have to believe there is a reason. I KNOW there is a reason HE does things the way He does. I lift my dad up to the Lord in hopes that he suffers little pain over these last few days of his life. He’s been telling me for a couple months now that he feels the end of his life is near. He knows his body better than anyone with the exception of God Himself.

As for myself, I am tired. Exhausted. Emotional (although not really showing it right now). Trying to figure out my next path in life. One major decision I have made is that I will stay where I am and have my grandma move in with me. If I cut down to the bare minimums on cable and phone I should be able to pull it off. Plus, my grandma will chip in a little to help pay expenses. She will also have more peace of mind in that she won’t have to live alone anymore. I just wish this were under better circumstances.

How am I dealing? I am trying to keep my mind occupied with my cross stitching, reading the Bible, and playing games on the computer. Mundane. Sure. For the most part. However, as I was reading in Revelations yesterday I learned something and that makes a difference in the way I look at a certain part of my life history. No, I won’t share the details. I just have a better understanding of HIS reasoning during that time.

I did learn something very interesting from my dad this past week. His favorite Bible verse (well, chapter really) is Psalm 23. I think many people like that one and consider it a favorite. For me, it was the first verse[s] that I memorised. My mom had a gold-plated plaque hanging on the bathroom wall and well, I won’t elaborate, but it made for good reading!

MMoM #66

This year is just flying by, don’tcha know!? I can’t believe summer is almost here. It seems like we just left winter behind. Of course, we are now beginning our monsoon season here in Florida. Today being no exception, it is trying to rain as I type this.

Here are this week’s questions for Meet Me On Monday.

Questions:
1.  I wish _________
2.  If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?
3.  Do you like to cook?
4.  What do you like to do to get exercise?
5.  How tidy are you?

Before I get to my answers, I just wanted to update you, my readers, on my dad’s condition. If you remember, he was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer last year (April). He has been receiving chemo treatments in varying forms since May. Currently, he is about halfway through his third drug and going in for another CT Scan in about a month. I sure hope this stuff is doing the trick and stopping any further growth/damage to his insides. He has been a trooper, but this drug has been making him ill.

Personally, I have a lot of decisions to make over the next several months. No, we don’t have a prognosis other than there is no cure. I had a grandma survive 3 years after diagnosis with this cancer, so I am hoping we have at least 2 more years with him. That said, I have been feeling the emotional pressures quite a bit. How do I deal with all of that? I don’t know, but somehow I am. I can honestly say that I am not getting much emotional support from those who I thought would be there for me. Instead, they have their own agenda’s now and what I thought was a stronger relationship building between us has become unraveled. I blame one person and it’s not me nor is it the other person. I blame a 3rd person for pulling the other away.

Which leads me to one of the decisions I have to make: where am I going to live when the inevitable happens? I sure as hell am not staying around here. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Florida. I just know that I don’t want to be around those who continue to bring me down emotionally acting like they care when really they don’t. I could be wrong in this but the actions as of late have pointed in that direction. So, I will repeat here what I posted on my FB last night:

“I was there for you when you needed me. I was there for you when you were afraid. I was there for you when you were crying and depressed. But, when I needed you, you could not be bothered.”

Well, enough of that! Here are my answers:

1.  I wish I weighed 100 lbs less than I do at this time.

Ideal weight on left; what I looked like in 2004 (not changed much since)

2.  If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be? This is a tough one. I guess it would be the first Space Shuttle launch – in person of course.

3.  Do you like to cook? That would be a NO, however I am a good cook.

4.  What do you like to do to get exercise? Currently, my exercise routine consists of walking, walking and more walking. I work in a prison. There’s a lot of walking to and from my office, lol. I’d say I get about a mile in each day.

5.  How tidy are you? Depends on my mood. I have been in an “I don’t care” mood for a few years, so not too tidy. I do know where everything is so it’s all good!

Well, that’s about it for me. “C-ya” next time!

Meet Me on Monday

Hey! I finally decided to “Subscribe” to Never Growing Old’s blog so now I shouldn’t miss the questions, lol. Anyway, short and sweet, here are the questions:

Questions:
1.  I really need to clean my _________?
2.  What food makes you think of Christmas?
3.  If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
4.  What was your first paying job?
5.  Have you read the Twilight series?

And my answers:

1. I really need to clean my BEDROOM?

2. What food makes you think of Christmas?

Gingerbread – I LOVE it!!! But I think I have an allergy to either the molasses or ginger because my tongue always feels like it’s on fire when I eat it. I only eat it during the holidays for that very reason.

3. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I don’t think I would want to stay a certain age forever. Each birthday brings a new bit of wisdom.

4. What was your first paying job?

Babysitting. And I made pretty good money too. $5.00 per hour per kid (I watched 2 boys). This was in the early 1980s!

5. Have you read the Twilight series?

Um, that would be a big fat NO! I am not interested in it at all. Sorry to all of you Twilight fans reading this. I don’t even like the Harry Potter series. I know, blasphemy! LOL

***********

In other news, my dad finished his chemotherapy treatments. Now we play the waiting game until he gets his CAT/PET scans done again to see what’s what on the cancer front.

I started a new job one month ago today. I am loving it so far, and learning a LOT! I work for the State of Florida. It’s difficult to get your foot in the door, but once it’s in, it’s in!

God is great!

Job Hunting

Well, I have been looking for a new job for little over a month now. The changes made to unemployment require me to show proof of at least 5 contacts each week. That said, I did have an interview today and I think it went rather well. I won’t get into too much detail at this time, but I am really hoping to be selected for the position.

In other news, my mom turns 60 tomorrow!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

I know you read this from time to time, lol.

And my kitties are playing so well together now!

If it’s not one thing…

…It’s another! Yup, on top of my dad’s cancer, I am now dealing with Bell’s Palsy! I am so not happy about it, really frustrated in fact. I take an anti-viral 5 times a day and Prednisone 3 times a day. It doesn’t bother me that I have to take the meds, they will help in time. It’s that the right side of my face is slightly paralyzed making it difficult to talk, laugh, smile, and even see a freakin’ chart to cross-stitch. I haven’t been able to concentrate to stitch and it’s really wearing me thin.

Readers and friends: this is what stress can do to a person! LOL

2011 Hayes Family Reunion VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

On a brighter note, I spent part of yesterday at a family reunion and had fun. Always a highlight in my year to visit with other members of our ever-extended family and learn some of our history from them. Like yesterdays topic was on the Civil War and our ancestors (my great-great grandfather and one of his brothers) who fought in the War. For the Confederacy of course! So if any of you Hays/Hayes’s are on here reading my blog and your family is from the Southeastern United States (Virginia’s, Carolina’s, Georgia, Alabama, and Florida) we might just be related in some way!

Today, I was over at my step-Aunt’s house visiting with her, and her son, and one of her daughters came over. She and her daughter eventually left and it was me and her son. We watched NASCAR (they’re making a left turn!) – not one of my favorite things to do – and then watched the first 2 episodes of “The Pacific”. We both have discovered we share a passion for history and so we have been swapping books and spending time together just talking Civil War and other historical stuff. He’s been a Godsend the past month and I am so happy that this part of my extended family is back in my life. I have always liked being around them – even when we were all kids chasing that darn skunk around the house, LOL! Another story for another time.

Family Junk

I call this post "Family Junk" because that's exactly what it is. A lot of junk! My family can be is very dysfunctional. I was hoping we would be able to outgrow some of the junk, but obviously we cannot. I know that no family is perfect. They all have issues, but the issue(s) I am dealing with hurt so very much. I have NO ONE to talk to about how I feel about certain things and when I do all I get is "Oh well" in a real sarcastic tone or "It's just that age". Ok, so she's growing up, but I am so sick and tired of not getting my phone calls returned, being added and deleted from Facebook friend's list, and the snotty attitude. My heart is broken over the way I am treated by this one. I have spent three evenings now in tears and I know I shouldn't be this upset. But I am!

Like I said, I have no one to talk to about this so here I am on my blog venting my frustrations. I am not going to allow comments on this post because I don't want them. I just need a place to vent (and I know that certain people will see this and be upset and I am sorry but it is what it is and until the situation is remedied I have this as the only place to go). A part of me feels that if I just give her space she will come to me when she needs me or wants me. Another part of me feels like "screw you, you little brat" and if and when she needs/wants me maybe I won't be there for her. Yeah, that's a wrong way to handle it but it's how I feel. I really do love her and care about her a lot - maybe too much.

I still wonder if she is mad at me for moving to Florida. It's not like I am her mother. I am just the Aunt. She knows she can come and visit whenever during the summer. She knows that grandpa and I would love to have her here with us for a few weeks during her summer holiday. I relish my time with her and when she pushes me away it really, really hurts. I would almost rather be dead than feel the way I do when she does that, but it's only the way I feel.

They say that time heals all wounds, well we will just have to see about that because this one is gaping and painful!

And Baby makes 6!

I am now the proud Grand-Aunt of 6 great nieces and nephews! The latest addition to our ever-growing family is Maislin "Maisy" Rosalee. She was born on January 14th. Here are some pictures:

Maisy and Grandma

Maisy and Grandpa

Maisy and Mama

Maisy and Great-Aunt Julie

Maisy and Great-Grandpa

David

I try not to post sad family news to my blogs but I just can't help it this time. You see, my cousin is dying. He had a very rough life being a kid of the 1960s and 70s. He's been terminal for several years owing this to his previous lifestyle. He recently had an operation on his intestines and was readmitted this past weekend with an infection around the staples used to suture him. When they opened him up, they noticed not only the infection but that his intestines were reversed. This makes me think that something went terribly wrong with the surgery, but I only learned about this through "second hand news". And my source learned from his daughter who is absolutely devastated at the thought of losing her daddy. (she's 18). 

I am sad that my cousin is dying. I am sad that I cannot be there to say goodbye. I am sad for my uncle and the one brother who have not yet gone to visit him (in spite of their differences and/or falling out they SHOULD go). I know the my uncle and the cousin will regret not seeing David one last time. I know they will regret not saying goodbye. I only pray that God places it upon their hearts to go to the hospital before it's too late.

I would like you to meet my cousin David:

Langlois Family Reunion 2001 - Saint Johns, MI

I may not have known him very well, but what I do know from meeting him the few times I did in recent years is that he really is a kind-hearted person. And he really has made an effort to change his life and live to the best of his abilities.

My mom, aunts, and uncle did go to visit with him this evening. As he's in ICU they have limits on visitation times to allow the patients to rest. The way I see it, the patient may need rest, but they need the love from their families too. Anyway, they got there around 7pm and the nurse came in before the end of visiting hours (which was 7:30pm) and asked them to leave. My cousin told the nurse "I haven't seen these people in 5 years since my sister died" and began to cry. I think his sister has been gone only 2 or 3 years because she passed rather unexpectedly after I moved to FL and I came here in 2006. Well, my mom, aunts, and uncle were allowed to remain until visiting hours ended. My mom and he were really close growing up (they are also close in age, so that played a big part in it) and even though they are aunt and nephew I truly believe they were good friends too. I am so glad she was able to go and say goodbye.

When he does finally cross over, he will be rejoined with his mother and sister as well as grandma and grandpa. Love you cuz! And when you do arrive, please give them all a great big hug from me. (((HUGS)))

*Updated 7/12/10: Found out that my cousin is being released to his home under hospice soon. Hospital is putting a feeding tube in as well. Happy news that he will be home and a bit more comfortable surrounded by family and loved ones! 

**Updates 2/4/11: I spent some time with David over the Holidays and he was doing remarkably well! Much better than the doctors anticipated. I found out recently that he is being taken off of Hospice care, although he will continue to have a visiting nurse to assist with his cath bags. God is great!!!