Life and such

There are times when I just want to run away; far far away. 

I can't hide under a rock,

or in a lake,

or on a boat,

or in my home.

The world just seems to find me no matter what.

There are times when I just want to escape it all.

I turn to my God,

I turn to my friends,

I turn to my family,

but never myself.

Life just seems to crash all around.

*****

I have been wanting to run away from myself for so long it's almost an addiction. Every time I try to do something to improve my life situation, something seems to send me on a detour. At times, even on a collision course. At the age of 41, I never thought I would be this alone. I have made mistakes in my life; little ones and huge. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, many of the mistakes I have made have caused me to lose myself. I am at a point in my life where I need to figure out who Julie is. I need to figure out what values Julie holds. What's most important to her? What can she let go of and still be happy? What truly makes Julie happy? These are questions I ask myself and get asked whether by friends, family, or therapist.

I find myself in an emotional dilemma that I am not sure how to handle. I am completely in love with a man whom I have known for years. At the same time, I am attracted to another man whom I have known only a few months. One lives quite a distance, the other is close. I know myself enough to know that I am aggressive and tend to go after what I want in relationships. I have never really learned to take things slowly...and this is painful for me. I was asked today (in therapy) "What do you want?". The only answer I came up with at the time was a man who truly loves me and wants to be with me in a long-term, committed relationship. I want a lifetime with one man. It's something I have wanted for several years now. At times, the emotion is so strong it's as if it's desperation.

Then I look at myself and say "When did I become this person?".

I think I am somewhat starved for attention. Affection. Love. Desire. I want a man to desire me. Is it so wrong? I don't want to live in a fairy tale. I don't want a knight in shining armor. I just want to be loved. To be treated like a "queen" (for lack of a better term, lol). To be the woman he cherishes, loves, respects, adores. The woman he can't wait to come home to each night. I really don't think it's too much to ask. You see, I know how to give my mate affirmation. I know how to show love and appreciation. I know how to respect him.

I am too old for games. I am too old for players. I am sick and tired of men finding themselves attracted to me who do NOT want to commit. Men who don't want to get married ever again. They feel this way because of women who have mistreated them in the past. I am disgusted with the way of the world and the women who destroy a man's ability to truly open his heart to love.

One Wish

If I could have one wish granted

one wish out of one thousand,

It would be to share a sunrise

with you

 

And if this wish were granted

this one wish with you,

I would want to be in your arms

as the sun rises

 

If while in your arms

we are watching the sunrise

you dare to give me a kiss,

I'll let you

 

You see, my one wish

is to be in your arms on a beach

watching the sunrise

with you

~ Julie Hayes, 2013

Every waking thought

My every waking thought

is of you;

I simply cannot shake.

I long to feel you

your breath on my skin

light caresses from your hands

lips pressed firm against mine.

 

My every waking thought

is of you.

I love the way you flirt

the twinkle in your eyes

the smile across your face

you make me feel like a girl;

I simply cannot shake.

 

My every waking thought

is of you.

I wonder if we can

or if we should

play with temptation;

I simply cannot shake

you from my mind.

Been sad too long…

So I decided to write a poem for today:

 

To Find Someone

 

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find someone

Someone that will love you

That will hold you when you’re sad

To wraps his arms around you

And just lay there all night long.

 

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find someone

Someone that you can lean on

That shows he cares

In the simplest of ways.

To just sit there next to you

And just listen as you cry.

 

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find someone

Someone that is meant for you

That you can connect with

Both intimately and intellectually

And just be.

 

The most difficult thing

In this world

Is to find my someone…

 

9 June 2011

******************************************

That about sums it up. I am more ready than ever to take that next step in my life. I have fears of being alone and I am certain these fears are amplified because of my dad’s illness. I don’t think he’ll die tomorrow or next year, but I also know his day will come. I have spent a lot of time and tears over the past few weeks over this issue in my life. Thinking about what I need in my someone, what I want. Ideally, I want the fairytale ending. Don’t we all!? As little girls we dream of our Prince Charming. I thought I found my Prince at one time, but he turned out to be a poisoned toad.

This is the kind of love I seek. I know it exists. I don’t think it’s asking too much. Well, enough on that! Gonna try to have the patience to allow God to do His will.

Thanks for hopping by…

Poem A Day Challenge

Sorry folks! I am finding myself at a loss for words at the moment. I promise to get caught up in the next day or so on the prompts. I think my brain is on a wee bit of overload between my dad’s doctor appointments and this busy Easter week. I am working everyday this week and most of the next two weeks (for prom and Mother’s Day) at the flower shop. For now, I will leave you with an older poem of mine:

 

Roll around

 

As we roll around

In the fields below

Our love becomes

As intense as the storm

 

As we roll around

In the bedroom at night

Our passions turn into

White hot ice

 

As we roll around

In our lovemaking play

Our desires expand

And I want him to stay

 

February 18, 1991

Poetry Challenge Days 14-16

Day 14

Today, we were challenged to write a Love or Anti-Love poem. I tried to combine the two:

Love Sucks

Love sucks

Like a sour lemon

The initial taste is sweet

But it soon turns bitter.

Love bites

Like a horny mosquito

Looking for sweet nectar

Instead drawing blood.

Love breathes

Like wind through the trees

Softly at first

Then harsh like a storm.

Love lives

In my heart and my soul

For my family and friends

For the departed souls.

Day 15

For this poem, we were challenged to take a famous poem and rewrite it as our own. Much acknowledgement goes to Mr. William Shakespeare for his beautiful sonnets and especially for the one which inspire my rewrite: Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day? - Sonnet XVIII

Shall I Compare Thee to a Winter’s Night?

Shall I compare thee to a winter’s night?

You aren’t more lovely than new fallen snow:

Cold temperatures do chill the morning air of December,

And winter’s lease is much, much too long:

Always too cold as the sun shines down,

And often is her white reflection bright;

And all the beauty from beauties drown,

By luck or nature’s unchanging course

But your everlasting winter will not fade

Nor keep possession of what you want;

But Life shall speak your wonder in her

When in everlasting time moves on:

For as long as we breathe and see.

This winter lives on and brings death to we.

Day 16

Today's challenge was to write a poem about a color. I chose one of my favorite colors:

Periwinkle Blue

Periwinkle blue

It sounds like a star in the sky

Periwinkle blue

Almost rhymes with Bullwinkle Moose.

Periwinkle blue

Is the color on my walls

Periwinkle blue

Is the color that I love.

Periwinkle blue

What a treasure to find

Periwinkle blue

What a color to see.

Periwinkle blue

Is always in my dreams

Periwinkle blue

Is the first thing I see.

Thoughts of You

thoughts of you

the life inside of me
is growing wilder
with every breathing minute
the love I feel for you
is the root of it all
I cherish the times we spend together
because we never know
how long we have...

as the days pass
while you are away
I reflect on the times
we have spent together
those memories are never
far from my mind
they are very dear to me
so i’ll keep them alive
until the day you return...

...for you will be mine
my love for you
is growing stronger
with each passing second.
I can see an image of you
whenever we're apart
reaching for the sky
I pray you'll be alright
and return safely home tonight

I think of you often
for the wild life in me
and my strong love for you
make the days seem
shorter and shorter
until they are one
and your return
will be soon

august 6, 1990

Happy Valentine's Day to All My Readers!!!

I just wanted to post a poem of love on this Valentine's Day. Enjoy!!

love to me means...

love to me means
seeing you with a smile on your face
watching the sun set
with you beside me.
listening to you
when you're upset
understanding your fears
your problems and your cheers.

love to me means
opening my eyes
after a long nights rest
and seeing you there
watching me as i sleep
opening the door to find
a wonderful surprise
the surprise of you standing there.

i never know what you'll say
i never know what i’ll say
thinking of times
we've spent together
brings the warmth to my heart
and looking back in time
to that one moment
when we embraced
always brings a smile
right to my face.

that's what love means to me.

march 15, 1989

The Beat of Love

The Beat of Love

Every single beat is an
Anticipation for love
Yearning for someone
Searching for the one

The heart is a strong
And wondrous muscle
Pumping rythmically
To the beat of a song

Every time it pumps
The heart makes us aware
Of the life that He gave
And the love that we share.

In celebration of National Heart Month

7 February 2009