03 June 2011

Dear John,

I sit here and write this letter to you because I have some things I need to say that have been festering inside me since 1998. That awful year of pain you put me through. Those lies you repeatedly told me. If only you would have been truthful about what you did to that little girl. If only you would have been truthful about being caught with that co-worker, in our bed, in MY LINGERIE! It has been too many years that I have let you control my emotions. Do you realise that I have had a very difficult time trusting men since then? Do you realise that I have been an emotional shut-in since then? I don’t think you realise just how deeply what you did affected me. I don’t even think you care and that’s alright because I WILL NOT let it control me anymore. I release all of that hurt and pain you created to the wind. I know you got what you deserved in all of that mess, now that you HAVE TO REGISTER for the rest of your life! HA!!! You should have known better. You really should have known better! Me and John

Forgiveness is something that has to be given in order for a person to move on. Well, John Bevis Norbert, I forgave you a LONG time ago. I have never forgotten and probably never will, but that’s alright. It makes me a stronger person. It makes me realise just what kind of man I need and deserve. And it damn sure ain’t someone like you! I try to remember all of the good times we had before you hurt me like you did. It’s hard at times, but there were many. I have never understood why you decided it was alright to do that to her. And why you decided that having a girl in our bed while my dad was away was alright. I will never understand that. I didn’t do anything to you to deserve that. Not one damn thing and you know it! You decided that you wanted what you wanted and went after it. Consequences be damned! Well, the consequences are your registering. You are alone, my friend, and I don’t think any woman would want you after learning about 1998.

You couldn’t honestly believe that after being reported to the child’s doctorJohn3 you would get away with it! I mean, c’mon man! I always thought you were smarter than that!! Then again, you proved to me that you really weren’t all that smart. YOU LET ME GET AWAY! You actually pushed me away! I just needed you to be honest with me. Remember when we signed the divorce papers that summer? You wanted to give me a hug but I wouldn’t let you touch me. Why would I! You did everything in your power to hold me away from you. You didn’t want that marriage anymore. You had proven that. So why did you marry me anyway!? I mean, you could have saved me the heartache. Did you ever even love me? Probably not. Definitely not the way I loved you. I would have given anything to keep our marriage intact after all of that went down. You just needed to be honest about what happened and we needed to go to counseling together to get through it.

Well, you didn’t knock me down completely John! I am here to tell you that I am a stronger woman than I was back then. I am able to forgive those who did me wrong. I have managed to earn not just an Associate Degree, but a Bachelor’s and then a Master’s as well. I am making something of my life WITHOUT YOU IN IT! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I still think about you from time to time. Sometimes it’s the good memories. John at Disneyland 1997John at Disneyland 19972Other times, it’s the bad. I have googled you online and found out you have to register. I know you have been living not to far from my first, and he knows it too. I feel at times that you have been following me, but then again it’s probably just a coincidence you wound up living that close to me after I left Las Vegas. I know that no matter how far away I think I am, you may always be 2 steps behind me. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you are near me now! For your sake, I hope not.

John 5I have so much more to say to you, but I don’t quite know how to express them at this time. Stay tuned as I am sure I will write you again! I hope you google yourself someday and find this (these) posts and you cry and cry and CRY like a baby! You deserve happiness, don’t get me wrong. But you also need to face what you did and atone for those mistakes. Not just to God, but to those you  hurt! Believe me, I am not the ONLY one that got hurt through all of this. You hurt your kids a long time ago. I am sure you hurt the other women in your life before and since me. You are so fucking selfish it’s unbelievable! And you called me co-dependent. I didn’t depend on you too awful much because you really had nothing to offer other than the love I thought you had for me and the companionship we once shared. Other than that, monetarily speaking, you had NOTHING. You had children to support, and I understood and respected that. And when I got sick and you had to be called back home, I wasn’t dependent on you then. It was your duty as a spouse to come home and take care of me. Nobody else could deal with it nor could they stand to watch me lose my freaking mind. No, it really wasn’t because you were away. It’s because I KNEW you were up to no good, especially after that call from Hong Kong. The way you were begging me to forgive you. It wasn’t that you were drinking heavily. It’s that you were FUCKING around while there! I could have forgiven that too had you been honest at the time. I just hope it was only with women!

Well, enough of this rant for now! I know I will return to this at another time. And my words may be just as harsh and hurt you just as deep. And I hope they do hurt! I want you to feel the pain you caused me.

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