22 March 2010

Every Song

Every song

Every song I hear
Is a song of life
The life I once knew
The life I once lived
All bring back
Memories
Of yesterday
When I was alone
To be my own person
With no complaints
No worries
No fears

November 21, 1992

It seems that the past few years have been hard on many people, not just here at home, but around the world. With the conflicts/wars going on in the Middle East, Mother Nature's terrible fury, and the state of the economic world, fear and worry are the mainstay of our lives. When I first moved to Florida in 2006, I was not afraid of not having a job for any long period of time. I actually found a decent job right away. That one lasted about 3 months and then I was let go, for no apparent reason and was told I did nothing wrong. (This state is an "at-will" employment state which means that you can be fired for smiling at someone.) I was out of work for a couple of months before I decided to get back in the collections game. Well, I couldn't stomach that type of work and the company I worked for, ever so briefly, so I quit. Then I got hired on at one of the career colleges in Tampa. It was a great job! I loved interacting with the students and many of them (if not most) really enjoyed stopping by my desk to say "Hello". This job was rewarding in so many ways and I really don't know what happened, but one day I was called into the Campus Director's office and my immediate supervisor proceeded to fire me. Again, to no fault of my own, so I was told. That was July, 2008! Since then, I have had fears and worries about my financial situation, especially since I was the sole provider for me and my dad for 2008 after his heart attack. Fortunately, I am still receiving unemployment, but I don't count on it cause one never knows...and my father is on SSDI since he can no longer work (he was in construction for over 30 years). 

As a disabled veteran, I receive some benefits including medical and disability, so for that I am thankful. Part of the medical included is mental health and I have really needed it over the past year or so. I got fired in July 2008, on a Tuesday. My 17 year-old-cat had to be euthanized a few days later on Friday (due to kidney failure). She was soon replaced by a kitten, so full of life and love. She died unexpectedly one year after the older cat. That was last July (2009). All of this while I have been slowly working on my Master's Thesis (I began in the Fall of 2007). Going to therapy monthly has helped me keep it together, but I have noticed (and have been told that others have noticed too) that my depression has gotten worse. I find myself wondering if this was the right choice for me, to move to Florida. Now, I have a grandma and my sister who live close by and they were a huge reason I chose to move here. I am a semester away from completing my thesis and am now in the process of looking diligently for gainful employ. 

I don't expect to have a full-time job until I am through school. My options will be more open at that point as I would like to get into the education field somehow. Either teaching at a public school or college-level teaching. I have also thought about trying to get into a research or assistant's position with a local history professor. Other options include starting my own business as a photographer or with my sister in the floral industry. One of the decisions I have to make is where to look. Do I stay close to home or "cast a wider net"? I am considering the latter as it will open up more doors for me in the education field. I would consider relocating for the right job/salary, but not further north than VA, and keeping along the southeastern coast area. 

Well, those are my thoughts for now. I began this post with a poem fitting to my mood. I love music and there are certain songs that I hear that just bring out all of my worries. And there are still others that remind me of a better time in my life, when I was gainfully employed with no fear of being fired. A life that was shared with a special someone (who I still hold dear to my heart). I don't sit and cry over my life because I have no regrets on my decisions. I have been worried about certain aspects of my life and have fears of never finding a good job allowing me to FINALLY live on my own again. I worry that my dad's health will worsen and I will be forced to stay with him (he is a heart patient after having a quad bypass in Feb 2008). But most of all, I worry about being  alone and "closed in" the rest of my life.

3 comments:

Lili said...

Considering all that has happened lately, I think that all your questions are perfectly understandable. And I also have a therapist so I know how things can worsen while you're working on yourself.
There's a lot of anxiety there, and I feel it too. There's a sense of duty and I'm struggling with it too.
I think you're right to look for a job that suits you, even if it means moving.
I am very grateful for the love of my life and for my children, and I do believe that you will find the right one soon. Because you are so beautiful, Julie.
Take care, sweetie.
Lili

Jules said...

Thanks Lili!

Fred said...

Hallo
Helaas kan ik geen engels, dus maar in mij nederlands.
Ik heb genoten van jou foto´s, top.
Ik kwam jou pagina tegen via Joke.
Groet,
Fred