30 July 2013

Life and such

There are times when I just want to run away; far far away. 
I can't hide under a rock,
or in a lake,
or on a boat,
or in my home.
The world just seems to find me no matter what.

There are times when I just want to escape it all.
I turn to my God,
I turn to my friends,
I turn to my family,
but never myself.
Life just seems to crash all around.

*****

I have been wanting to run away from myself for so long it's almost an addiction. Every time I try to do something to improve my life situation, something seems to send me on a detour. At times, even on a collision course. At the age of 41, I never thought I would be this alone. I have made mistakes in my life; little ones and huge. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, many of the mistakes I have made have caused me to lose myself. I am at a point in my life where I need to figure out who Julie is. I need to figure out what values Julie holds. What's most important to her? What can she let go of and still be happy? What truly makes Julie happy? These are questions I ask myself and get asked whether by friends, family, or therapist.

I find myself in an emotional dilemma that I am not sure how to handle. I am completely in love with a man whom I have known for years. At the same time, I am attracted to another man whom I have known only a few months. One lives quite a distance, the other is close. I know myself enough to know that I am aggressive and tend to go after what I want in relationships. I have never really learned to take things slowly...and this is painful for me. I was asked today (in therapy) "What do you want?". The only answer I came up with at the time was a man who truly loves me and wants to be with me in a long-term, committed relationship. I want a lifetime with one man. It's something I have wanted for several years now. At times, the emotion is so strong it's as if it's desperation.

Then I look at myself and say "When did I become this person?".

I think I am somewhat starved for attention. Affection. Love. Desire. I want a man to desire me. Is it so wrong? I don't want to live in a fairy tale. I don't want a knight in shining armor. I just want to be loved. To be treated like a "queen" (for lack of a better term, lol). To be the woman he cherishes, loves, respects, adores. The woman he can't wait to come home to each night. I really don't think it's too much to ask. You see, I know how to give my mate affirmation. I know how to show love and appreciation. I know how to respect him.

I am too old for games. I am too old for players. I am sick and tired of men finding themselves attracted to me who do NOT want to commit. Men who don't want to get married ever again. They feel this way because of women who have mistreated them in the past. I am disgusted with the way of the world and the women who destroy a man's ability to truly open his heart to love.


28 July 2013

Switching gears...Mary, mother of Jesus

We finished Bathsheba last week in Bible Study and began Mary this week. I am excited this is coming to a conclusion, but also a little bummed. I am not sure what will be next. I just hope we can keep this little group going for some time.

As we have only just begun Mary this morning, I haven't much to tell or reflect on yet. I mean, I have read the stories in the Bible many times and feel comfortable enough to know that Mary was a strong and courageous woman of faith. Everything she had to endure, from the virgin birth to the death of her son on the cross. This can only be symbolic of strength and courage, undying faith and devotion, and most of all GRACE.


As I have said before, going through these novellas, reading about each of these women, has given me some perspective of my own life. The happy times and the hardships I have faced. The triumphs and the disappointments. The serenity and even the confusion. I am learning a lot about myself and the kind of woman that I not only need to be, but want to be. I have been working on trying to figure out who I am for so long that looking at these women is like looking at myself through another set of eyes.

The biggest realisation I have made is I only need to be the woman God created me to be. And that is what I have to open my heart, mind and soul to at this point. I know that I have always been a loving, caring person. I try to bring out the best in those I surround myself with; yet at times I have not been successful. I know that when it's God's timing, He will bring forth the man who is meant for me and learning to wait on Him has been my biggest struggle the past few months.

I also know that the past few weeks my heart has been torn. I feel like I am being pulled in several directions at once. I won't divulge anymore than that. I just pray that God helps me to understand His plan for me and relieves some of the torment I am feeling.

18 July 2013

Day v. Night

My weekdays are pretty much filled with work. I spend a lot of time in front of a computer trying to help veterans find jobs or a school to go to or even information on benefits available. Sometimes the days go rather quickly. Other times, not so much! By 4 pm I am so ready to go home and tend to watch the clock for about an hour. Yesterday, by the time 3pm rolled around it felt like 4 pm. That's how slow the day was for me.



When I get home in the evening, I tend to throw on the tele and my laptop. It's my wind-down time. And it is also the time of day when I am in my mind the most. I have a problem with daydreaming, fantasizing, scrutinizing, and irrationalizing my life and sometimes my mere existence. I have my cats. They are 50/50 in how they keep my stress level under control. When they get under my skin the most is when I am having an extremely off day or they want some serious attention and go about it wrong. That's when they get stepped on or I trip over them, lol! I do love my kitter kats!!

Abu and Sandy


I am especially vulnerable at night with my mind go over all of the things I want to do, people I want to see, hopes and dreams for my future, and loneliness. The loneliness can be deafening at times! I try to keep my mind occupied, hence the laptop. I play stupid games on Facebook (Bubble Safari Ocean, Western Story, etc). I have my cross stitch, when I am in the mood or motivated. I have Bible Study and my Bible. I pray! Lord do I ever pray anymore!! I don't think I am all that good at it because I seem to be asking the same thing over and over again:

Are we really meant to be together? Is it Your will for us to be together? I know he loves me. He tells me as much. I love him with all my heart.

I know I shouldn't worry about things that are not in my control and spend more time on getting my finances in order. The man I refer to in the above prayer is someone I have loved for more than 18 years! And the distance between us is (not literally) killing me!! I would do anything for this man, but for the fact that I need a commitment. I can't rationalize moving my entire existence 900+ miles away not knowing anyone but him. Lord knows, if it were even 10 years ago, I would have done it in less than a heartbeat. Alas, I am older and hopefully wiser.

I digress...no pity party for me. I chose to follow the paths I have followed and they lead me to where I am in my life right now. Would I change it if I could? Not a chance! That would mean I have regrets and I truly try to live without regret. Now I only try to live more as God would want me to live. I try to remember to watch what I say. I don't gossip. I am trying to get healthier. In God's time...


06 July 2013

Bathsheba

I have gotten through almost 2 chapters in the Bible Study on Bathsheba and am finding myself in her the deeper I get into this novella. Her deep and long-lasting love for David resonates. At this point, having read about three grace-filled women from the Bible, I can truly come to the conclusion that I am blessed. I am a mixture of these women for sure. I'll touch on that more at a later time.

I have loved deeply and still love deeply. There is only one man for me and only God Himself knows who that man is for certain. The man that I truly love, deeply love, is the man I want to spend my life with. I only hope that my desires mesh with God's plans. Sometimes I see things coming together. Other times I have to remind myself that God IS in control. I cannot have control over my life anymore. I have to let HIM lead me.

Then David sent messengers, and took her; and she came to him, and he lay with her, for she was cleansed from her impurity; and she returned to her house. II Samuel 11:4

04 July 2013

Bathsheba and random thoughts (picture heavy)

We are starting Bathsheba in Bible study this week. I don't have much to say about her yet, but I am sure I will once I complete the reading.

I spent last week in Denver for work. I will have to go back a couple more times. Different classes that are required through National Veterans Training Institute of UC -Denver. I enjoyed my time there and got to meet some nice/interesting people. Here are some pics I took on my trip:


Florida Panhandle Gulf Coast

Might Mississippi

Windmill energy in either W Kansas or E Colorado

Beautiful smelling trees outside DoubleTree Hotel in Denver

The Rockies as viewed from Northfield Mall

Jet heading west while mine headed east

Wing shot

Taking off into the sunset in Nashville

Sunset over Nashville
Coming into Tampa area
I didn't really get to site see too much while in Denver this time. I decided I will rent a car on the next trip when I am there so that I can head for the mountains!