sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why did you fall in love with me
It’s a question that seems to be
On my mind a lot lately
Your bright smile and tender hugs
Fill me with a passion
That I never knew was there

Sometimes I sit and wonder
Is this too good to be true
We really have no differences
But those we do have
Are not hard to miss
And the faults that we have
Are really not hard to overlook

Sometimes I sit and look at you
And it’s really plain to see
I fell in love with you
And all the reasons why
I cannot live without you
For if I must I’d surely die

1996

Natures Beauty

natures beauty

fields and fields
of wildflowers so gay
dance in the winds
in the early spring day
they run and they play

oceans and oceans
of waters so blue
what a beautiful painting
what a beautiful day

mountains and mountains
of hills so green
flatlands and grasslands
what a vision to see

so many things
in this world to see
so many things
in this world to love

December 14, 1990

The Hardest Thing…

…about moving to Florida several years ago is not being close enough to visit my niece whenever I want. Now, she is becoming a teenager, although not officially until next February, and is starting to show more independence. I am missing her so much. She was a huge part of my life from 2001 until 2006 when I moved away. I only get to see her when she comes down during summer vacation for about a month or so, or when I go to visit my family in MI. That’s not enough in my heart, but in my mind it is what it is.

There were several factors which led to my decision to leave Michigan. The main factor is my family here. I never got to spend much time with my paternal grandparents and now with only one grandparent remaining, dad’s mom, I felt the need to be closer to her. She will be 85 years young next month and I am lucky to still have her in my life. My father also lives in FL, as does my sister and her family, several cousins, aunts and uncles. Another factor was the weather. I was never one for colder temps and I spent 10 years in the desert southwest (Cali, Las Vegas, and Northern AZ). Returning to MI in 2001 and spending those long cold winters there was difficult on my psych and my health – I get bronchitis rather easily and have only dealt with it once in the last 4 years while dealing with it every year I was in MI. No, I don’t have COPD.

Since moving down here, I have been let go from 2 very good jobs. The first one was at the end of my probation period. I think they just wanted to bring the girl I replaced back after her maternity leave and made excuses. The other one lasted almost 2 years and I was blindsided by that one. I won’t go into details here in blog-land, but it’s been a rough 2 years since that last termination. I really have no desire to work a full time job at this moment in my life, but I know that I need to so that I may become more independent. I have my Master’s of Art degree, finally, and will hopefully find a full time job within the next year. Whether it is here in Central FL or somewhere in between, only time will tell.

This past week has been an especially emotional week for me and missing my niece is not helping at all. She is a couple of years younger than what my daughter would have been (Brinea would be 15 this Dec), which is probably a big reason I became so attached to her. She is the light of my life and I know she knows how much I adore her. I only hope she doesn’t push me away too much because right now my heart is hurting. And knowing how I am responding to her growing independence I am thankful to the Lord for taking my daughter when he did because I don’t think I could have handled it at all.

Ok, that’s enough of my sob story for now. I just needed to vent somewhere and I don’t expect comments. Thank you for reading…

Never Forget...

Please view this blog for my thoughts and experience on 9/11!

Welcome to this world!

Just a quick post to let you, my readers, know that my grand-nephew was born yesterday afternoon (August 24, 2010). Please help me welcome Justin James Barnhardt to the world:

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The handsome fella holding him is my nephew and his daddy, of course!

David

I try not to post sad family news to my blogs but I just can't help it this time. You see, my cousin is dying. He had a very rough life being a kid of the 1960s and 70s. He's been terminal for several years owing this to his previous lifestyle. He recently had an operation on his intestines and was readmitted this past weekend with an infection around the staples used to suture him. When they opened him up, they noticed not only the infection but that his intestines were reversed. This makes me think that something went terribly wrong with the surgery, but I only learned about this through "second hand news". And my source learned from his daughter who is absolutely devastated at the thought of losing her daddy. (she's 18). 

I am sad that my cousin is dying. I am sad that I cannot be there to say goodbye. I am sad for my uncle and the one brother who have not yet gone to visit him (in spite of their differences and/or falling out they SHOULD go). I know the my uncle and the cousin will regret not seeing David one last time. I know they will regret not saying goodbye. I only pray that God places it upon their hearts to go to the hospital before it's too late.

I would like you to meet my cousin David:

Langlois Family Reunion 2001 - Saint Johns, MI

I may not have known him very well, but what I do know from meeting him the few times I did in recent years is that he really is a kind-hearted person. And he really has made an effort to change his life and live to the best of his abilities.

My mom, aunts, and uncle did go to visit with him this evening. As he's in ICU they have limits on visitation times to allow the patients to rest. The way I see it, the patient may need rest, but they need the love from their families too. Anyway, they got there around 7pm and the nurse came in before the end of visiting hours (which was 7:30pm) and asked them to leave. My cousin told the nurse "I haven't seen these people in 5 years since my sister died" and began to cry. I think his sister has been gone only 2 or 3 years because she passed rather unexpectedly after I moved to FL and I came here in 2006. Well, my mom, aunts, and uncle were allowed to remain until visiting hours ended. My mom and he were really close growing up (they are also close in age, so that played a big part in it) and even though they are aunt and nephew I truly believe they were good friends too. I am so glad she was able to go and say goodbye.

When he does finally cross over, he will be rejoined with his mother and sister as well as grandma and grandpa. Love you cuz! And when you do arrive, please give them all a great big hug from me. (((HUGS)))

*Updated 7/12/10: Found out that my cousin is being released to his home under hospice soon. Hospital is putting a feeding tube in as well. Happy news that he will be home and a bit more comfortable surrounded by family and loved ones! 

**Updates 2/4/11: I spent some time with David over the Holidays and he was doing remarkably well! Much better than the doctors anticipated. I found out recently that he is being taken off of Hospice care, although he will continue to have a visiting nurse to assist with his cath bags. God is great!!!

Lessons in Life

Life Lessons

Sometimes you have to make mistakes

That is the only way you can learn

Everyone makes mistakes during their life

Not everyone will learn from them.

Life lessons can be painful

They can also be welcoming

Life lessons can push you down

But you have to bring yourself back up.

Sometimes the mistakes you make

Are silly and so mundane

Other times those same mistakes

Can put you to your shame.

Life lessons can be burdensome

They can weigh heavy on your heart

Life lessons can push you down

And it seems there is no way up.

Sometimes you have to make mistakes

The biggest of them all

And hopefully you will learn to deal

With painful lessons in life.

25 April 2010

Wesley Chapel Art Show

I want to share with you one of the artist’s I met at the Wesley Chapel (FL) Art Show over the weekend. His name is Rob Kaz and you can visit his website here. What drew me to him was a rather large painting of a frog. Now, the frog lover that I am, I had to step into his booth and browse through the prints he had for sale. I wound up purchasing two of them: “Nightlight” and “Hey You”. There was at least one other, but I painfully passed on it this time. Please take a moment to check out his website and Gallery to view his artwork and especially the pieces that drew me to his booth.

With that said, I wrote a children’s book several years back tentatively called “Froggy Frog meets Slimey Snail”. The only thing lacking are the illustrations; a good friend of mine offered to assist in the artwork. It is actually a book that could very well turn into a series and will most likely include educational packets geared toward the first and/or second grade. As a poet, I was wary about sharing this little story with anyone as I didn’t think it compared to my poetry. It was a former teacher’s assistant who suggested the educational packets/lesson plans and marketing toward a specific age group. Thank you to her for that insight! I have had nothing but good comments, but for now I will leave it a mystery as I don’t want my work taken from me.

Here is a short excerpt to whet your appetite:

“Froggy lived in a pond.

His favorite spot was on a lily pad.

From his lily pad, Froggy could see the whole world.”

Last year, during the April Poem a Day Challenge, I wrote a haiku about this character. I will repost it here:

Froggy Frog

Froggy Frog is here

Sitting on his lily pad;

Where is Slimey Snail?

April 21, 2009 ~ Haiku

Well, thanks for visiting me. I hope you enjoyed your stay!

Every Song

Every song

Every song I hear

Is a song of life

The life I once knew

The life I once lived

All bring back

Memories

Of yesterday

When I was alone

To be my own person

With no complaints

No worries

No fears

November 21, 1992

It seems that the past few years have been hard on many people, not just here at home, but around the world. With the conflicts/wars going on in the Middle East, Mother Nature's terrible fury, and the state of the economic world, fear and worry are the mainstay of our lives. When I first moved to Florida in 2006, I was not afraid of not having a job for any long period of time. I actually found a decent job right away. That one lasted about 3 months and then I was let go, for no apparent reason and was told I did nothing wrong. (This state is an "at-will" employment state which means that you can be fired for smiling at someone.) I was out of work for a couple of months before I decided to get back in the collections game. Well, I couldn't stomach that type of work and the company I worked for, ever so briefly, so I quit. Then I got hired on at one of the career colleges in Tampa. It was a great job! I loved interacting with the students and many of them (if not most) really enjoyed stopping by my desk to say "Hello". This job was rewarding in so many ways and I really don't know what happened, but one day I was called into the Campus Director's office and my immediate supervisor proceeded to fire me. Again, to no fault of my own, so I was told. That was July, 2008! Since then, I have had fears and worries about my financial situation, especially since I was the sole provider for me and my dad for 2008 after his heart attack. Fortunately, I am still receiving unemployment, but I don't count on it cause one never knows...and my father is on SSDI since he can no longer work (he was in construction for over 30 years). 

As a disabled veteran, I receive some benefits including medical and disability, so for that I am thankful. Part of the medical included is mental health and I have really needed it over the past year or so. I got fired in July 2008, on a Tuesday. My 17 year-old-cat had to be euthanized a few days later on Friday (due to kidney failure). She was soon replaced by a kitten, so full of life and love. She died unexpectedly one year after the older cat. That was last July (2009). All of this while I have been slowly working on my Master's Thesis (I began in the Fall of 2007). Going to therapy monthly has helped me keep it together, but I have noticed (and have been told that others have noticed too) that my depression has gotten worse. I find myself wondering if this was the right choice for me, to move to Florida. Now, I have a grandma and my sister who live close by and they were a huge reason I chose to move here. I am a semester away from completing my thesis and am now in the process of looking diligently for gainful employ. 

I don't expect to have a full-time job until I am through school. My options will be more open at that point as I would like to get into the education field somehow. Either teaching at a public school or college-level teaching. I have also thought about trying to get into a research or assistant's position with a local history professor. Other options include starting my own business as a photographer or with my sister in the floral industry. One of the decisions I have to make is where to look. Do I stay close to home or "cast a wider net"? I am considering the latter as it will open up more doors for me in the education field. I would consider relocating for the right job/salary, but not further north than VA, and keeping along the southeastern coast area. 

Well, those are my thoughts for now. I began this post with a poem fitting to my mood. I love music and there are certain songs that I hear that just bring out all of my worries. And there are still others that remind me of a better time in my life, when I was gainfully employed with no fear of being fired. A life that was shared with a special someone (who I still hold dear to my heart). I don't sit and cry over my life because I have no regrets on my decisions. I have been worried about certain aspects of my life and have fears of never finding a good job allowing me to FINALLY live on my own again. I worry that my dad's health will worsen and I will be forced to stay with him (he is a heart patient after having a quad bypass in Feb 2008). But most of all, I worry about being  alone and "closed in" the rest of my life.

Searching for love

Searching for love

He's out there

In the night sky

Searching for the place

That place

Where his love can be shared

He's out there

Among the stars

Mingling

To find the perfect one

To find his only one

He's out there

In the trees

Brushing

With the leaves

As his search continues for love

He's out there

Trying to find

Peace

With his neighbors, to end

All the hate and sadness he sees

April 7, 1991

love and pain

Well, I figure I will go back to sharing some of my older writing. It has been a long time since I posted anything from that time. The following is a poem written while I was in high school. It talks about the decision I made to go against my father in choosing who I dated. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time and make a different decision; that is a decision to keep that person in my life. I am thankful to have him back in my life now (and over the past several years). He is a dear friend!

love and pain

 

my heart yearns to be free

from all the pain I feel today

to love someone the way I do

is beautiful in every way

 

I feel your touch

I feel your stare

my love for you

is everywhere

 

candles burn bright

candles burn low

the love that's in my heart

will always glow

 

my heart yearns to be free

to make my own choice

my choice to be in love

or my choice to be in pain

 

that choice is you...

 

October 30, 1989

 

*Out of respect for him and his family, I will not post a picture to go with this poem. Thanks for stopping by!

And now she's 12

My niece, Ariel, turns 12 today! I wish I could spend the day with her, but alas she is too far away. She lives in MI with her dad (my bro) and I live in FL. So, I wrote her a poem and mailed it in a card that I created for her using a small cross stitch pattern. Here is the card and poem:

Flutterby Butterfly

Beautiful little girl

Unpretentious, but with style

Truly amazing,

Talented, and bright

Epitome of her daddy, but

Really coming into her own

Feel the wings behind you

Leaving a childhood too soon

You really shouldn’t let life

Be a flutterby.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Today is the anniversary of the birth of my grandma. To be precise, the 86th anniversary of her birth! I miss her so much every day, but fondly remember the times spent with her. Whether it be at the house in St. Johns or the cottage on Lake George, I always loved being with grandma. You see, this woman taught me how to really live. She taught me about music and cameras. She taught me how to have an open mind. She gave me the courage to do what I wanted, what was right for me. I may have made some mistakes through the years, but at the time it seemed right to me. SO, to honor her memory, here is a little something from me to her:

Me and my grandma on June 1, 1990 - Boone High School Graduation - Orlando

A beautiful woman, through and through

Auburn hair, tightly curled

Always with a smile on her face

Always with arms open wide

A gal full of sass, through and through

Bright red lips, wrinkled with time

Always ready to share a good laugh

Always ready to comfort wet eyes

A lady of talent, through and through

Camera in hand, stories to tell

Always aiming to shoot a pretty flower

Always aiming to snap a cute bug

In memory of my grandma, Barbara Anne Langlois

On the 86^th anniversary of her birth