02 August 2013
30 July 2013
I have been wanting to run away from myself for so long it's almost an addiction. Every time I try to do something to improve my life situation, something seems to send me on a detour. At times, even on a collision course. At the age of 41, I never thought I would be this alone. I have made mistakes in my life; little ones and huge. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, many of the mistakes I have made have caused me to lose myself. I am at a point in my life where I need to figure out who Julie is. I need to figure out what values Julie holds. What's most important to her? What can she let go of and still be happy? What truly makes Julie happy? These are questions I ask myself and get asked whether by friends, family, or therapist.
I find myself in an emotional dilemma that I am not sure how to handle. I am completely in love with a man whom I have known for years. At the same time, I am attracted to another man whom I have known only a few months. One lives quite a distance, the other is close. I know myself enough to know that I am aggressive and tend to go after what I want in relationships. I have never really learned to take things slowly...and this is painful for me. I was asked today (in therapy) "What do you want?". The only answer I came up with at the time was a man who truly loves me and wants to be with me in a long-term, committed relationship. I want a lifetime with one man. It's something I have wanted for several years now. At times, the emotion is so strong it's as if it's desperation.
Then I look at myself and say "When did I become this person?".
I think I am somewhat starved for attention. Affection. Love. Desire. I want a man to desire me. Is it so wrong? I don't want to live in a fairy tale. I don't want a knight in shining armor. I just want to be loved. To be treated like a "queen" (for lack of a better term, lol). To be the woman he cherishes, loves, respects, adores. The woman he can't wait to come home to each night. I really don't think it's too much to ask. You see, I know how to give my mate affirmation. I know how to show love and appreciation. I know how to respect him.
I am too old for games. I am too old for players. I am sick and tired of men finding themselves attracted to me who do NOT want to commit. Men who don't want to get married ever again. They feel this way because of women who have mistreated them in the past. I am disgusted with the way of the world and the women who destroy a man's ability to truly open his heart to love.
28 July 2013
As we have only just begun Mary this morning, I haven't much to tell or reflect on yet. I mean, I have read the stories in the Bible many times and feel comfortable enough to know that Mary was a strong and courageous woman of faith. Everything she had to endure, from the virgin birth to the death of her son on the cross. This can only be symbolic of strength and courage, undying faith and devotion, and most of all GRACE.
As I have said before, going through these novellas, reading about each of these women, has given me some perspective of my own life. The happy times and the hardships I have faced. The triumphs and the disappointments. The serenity and even the confusion. I am learning a lot about myself and the kind of woman that I not only need to be, but want to be. I have been working on trying to figure out who I am for so long that looking at these women is like looking at myself through another set of eyes.
The biggest realisation I have made is I only need to be the woman God created me to be. And that is what I have to open my heart, mind and soul to at this point. I know that I have always been a loving, caring person. I try to bring out the best in those I surround myself with; yet at times I have not been successful. I know that when it's God's timing, He will bring forth the man who is meant for me and learning to wait on Him has been my biggest struggle the past few months.
I also know that the past few weeks my heart has been torn. I feel like I am being pulled in several directions at once. I won't divulge anymore than that. I just pray that God helps me to understand His plan for me and relieves some of the torment I am feeling.
18 July 2013
When I get home in the evening, I tend to throw on the tele and my laptop. It's my wind-down time. And it is also the time of day when I am in my mind the most. I have a problem with daydreaming, fantasizing, scrutinizing, and irrationalizing my life and sometimes my mere existence. I have my cats. They are 50/50 in how they keep my stress level under control. When they get under my skin the most is when I am having an extremely off day or they want some serious attention and go about it wrong. That's when they get stepped on or I trip over them, lol! I do love my kitter kats!!
|Abu and Sandy|
I am especially vulnerable at night with my mind go over all of the things I want to do, people I want to see, hopes and dreams for my future, and loneliness. The loneliness can be deafening at times! I try to keep my mind occupied, hence the laptop. I play stupid games on Facebook (Bubble Safari Ocean, Western Story, etc). I have my cross stitch, when I am in the mood or motivated. I have Bible Study and my Bible. I pray! Lord do I ever pray anymore!! I don't think I am all that good at it because I seem to be asking the same thing over and over again:
Are we really meant to be together? Is it Your will for us to be together? I know he loves me. He tells me as much. I love him with all my heart.
I know I shouldn't worry about things that are not in my control and spend more time on getting my finances in order. The man I refer to in the above prayer is someone I have loved for more than 18 years! And the distance between us is (not literally) killing me!! I would do anything for this man, but for the fact that I need a commitment. I can't rationalize moving my entire existence 900+ miles away not knowing anyone but him. Lord knows, if it were even 10 years ago, I would have done it in less than a heartbeat. Alas, I am older and hopefully wiser.
I digress...no pity party for me. I chose to follow the paths I have followed and they lead me to where I am in my life right now. Would I change it if I could? Not a chance! That would mean I have regrets and I truly try to live without regret. Now I only try to live more as God would want me to live. I try to remember to watch what I say. I don't gossip. I am trying to get healthier. In God's time...
06 July 2013
I have loved deeply and still love deeply. There is only one man for me and only God Himself knows who that man is for certain. The man that I truly love, deeply love, is the man I want to spend my life with. I only hope that my desires mesh with God's plans. Sometimes I see things coming together. Other times I have to remind myself that God IS in control. I cannot have control over my life anymore. I have to let HIM lead me.
04 July 2013
I spent last week in Denver for work. I will have to go back a couple more times. Different classes that are required through National Veterans Training Institute of UC -Denver. I enjoyed my time there and got to meet some nice/interesting people. Here are some pics I took on my trip:
|Florida Panhandle Gulf Coast|
|Windmill energy in either W Kansas or E Colorado|
|Beautiful smelling trees outside DoubleTree Hotel in Denver|
|The Rockies as viewed from Northfield Mall|
|Jet heading west while mine headed east|
|Taking off into the sunset in Nashville|
|Sunset over Nashville|
|Coming into Tampa area|
23 June 2013
I am going to quote a little from Francine Rivers’ book A Lineage of Grace because it is so beautiful [and not described in the Bible]:
“Ruth and Boaz were pressed along again as the women joined the men in the procession back through the dark streets of Bethlehem. Some of the men carried torches. The women played tambourines, beat small hand drums, clinked finger cymbals, shook tingling bells, and sang with the men.
When Boaz entered his house, he raised his mantle and held it over Ruth as he drew her up onto the dais beneath the canopy…He walked her in a full circle several times for all the witnesses to see that she had his covering of marriage. When he stopped, Ruth didn’t hesitate. She drew off her veil and draped it over his shoulder according to custom.”
After reading this bit in the book, I knew that’s exactly what I would want my wedding to be. You see, in today’s time we take for granted that we have to get married in a church with a preacher before us. In the days before Jesus, and quite possibly in His time as well, it was more symbolic to wear finery and the man cover the wife in marriage as read above. The main event was and probably still is the wedding feast (reception as we know it today). By the simplicity of walking his bride in several full circles, covering her with his mantle and she covering him with her veil, they are proclaimed married!
Reading this passage, I saw the ceremony take place. It was exciting to read and I’ll bet all the more to witness!
We have seemingly finished with Ruth in our Bible Study and will be moving into the story of Bathsheba. Ironically, the series during worship service is on King David. Going to learn so much more over the next few weeks for sure! I do love Old Testament writings.
18 June 2013
I have been reading different devotionals lately either on Facebook or elsewhere and it seems that most are saying the same thing: seek God. I have to admit that I am lazy about reading the Word. Life gets in the way, or at least it appears that way. In reality, it’s my baby faith that is keeping me from
ritually routinely seeking God. This is something that I promised myself I would work on this year.
I read this great devotional this evening by Suzie Eller of Proverbs 31 Ministries. I won’t give anything away, but I do encourage you to check out this website and maybe sign up to receive the daily devotionals. I have found many to be inspiring and uplifting.
Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually. 1 Chronicles 16:11 (KJV)
13 June 2013
I have been reading this book as part of my Continuum of Care plan since the beginning of the year. It’s been helpful and insightful so far. I won’t bore you with the details, but I just read something in Chapter 6, p 59 that I wanted to share:
Develop the courage to solve those problems that can be solved, the serenity to accept those problems that can’t be solved, and the wisdom to know the difference.
09 June 2013
The past couple weeks have been spent on Ruth in Bible Study. I am finding it difficult to finish the novella as I am deeply identifying with Naomi, Ruth and Orpah right now. Naomi and her daughters-in-law all lost their husbands. A little background is needed to better understand…
1 In the days when the judges ruled there was a famine in the land, and a man of Bethlehem in Judah went to sojourn in the country of Moab, he and his wife and his two sons. 2 The name of the man was Elimelech and the name of his wife Naomi, and the names of his two sons were Mahlon and Chilion. They were Ephrathites from Bethlehem in Judah. They went into the country of Moab and remained there. 3 But Elimelech, the husband of Naomi, died, and she was left with her two sons. 4 These took Moabite wives; the name of the one was Orpah and the name of the other Ruth. They lived there about ten years, 5 and both Mahlon and Chilion died, so that the woman was left without her two sons and her husband. ~ Ruth 1:1-5
Ruth, a Moabite woman, longed to learn more about the God of her husband’s family. In my personal life, I have been longing to hear from God. I am learning to trust in Him and His plan for my life more than ever before. To trust someone, anyone, is an extremely difficult thing for me as I lost trust many years ago in mankind.
I have read the Book of Ruth in the Bible several times in recent months and a handful more over my entire life. I love the strength, courage, and faith she shows in all aspects of her life. I love how she perseveres in the worst of times and encourages her mother-in-law to continue on as well. I have been told by a few people since my father’s passing how inspired they are by the strength I have held. What they don’t know is that I have cried myself to sleep many nights and while it’s less and less, the hurt of his loss is deep.
After the loss of her husband and sons, Naomi decided she wanted to return to her homeland: Bethlehem. Ruth went with her; Orpah went back to Moab. These two women were bound to one another for a lifetime not just through marriage and death, but to sense of duty and kinship. Ruth went on to remarry and had child(ren) who were ancestors to Jesus Christ.
I can only hope to live half the life Ruth led in her time.
06 May 2013
Have you ever read the story of Rahab in the Bible? It’s an interesting story and very telling of the faith one woman had in a God not of her people.
Now before they lay down, she came up to them on the roof, 9 and said to the men: “I know that the Lord has given you the land, that the terror of you has fallen on us, and that all the inhabitants of the land are fainthearted because of you. 10 For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were on the other side of the Jordan, Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed. 11 And as soon as we heard these things, our hearts melted; neither did there remain any more courage in anyone because of you, for the Lord your God, He is God in heaven above and on earth beneath. 12 Now therefore, I beg you, swear to me by the Lord, since I have shown you kindness, that you also will show kindness to my father’s house, and give me a true token, 13 and spare my father, my mother, my brothers, my sisters, and all that they have, and deliver our lives from death.” ~ Joshua 2:8-13 (NKJV)
If you recall in previous post(s) I mentioned that women during these times were not allowed to have independent thoughts or lives. That said, things were no different for Rahab. Her father gave her to the King of Jericho when she was a young girl – as a prostitute! Growing up in this way, the only option she had as an adult was to continue as a prostitute. Rahab, however, was wise enough to realise that she could use her skills as a means to get information for the king from men. So, she became a spy.
After reading the story of Rahab in A Lineage of Grace I find myself applauding her choices. She could have chosen to rat out the Israelites to the king. She could have chosen to just continue as a prostitute and not make a life for herself. She could have even been greedy and not included her family in her plans to survive the fall of Jericho to the Israelites. Instead, she kept the men safe and at the appointed time, gathered her family into her home. She kept faith in God, knowing their lives would be spared…
30 April 2013
Have you ever felt like someone didn’t have your best interests at heart? Wondered if there was another way you could make that person do the right thing? Did you ever want to take matters into your own hands and felt like you couldn’t? If you have ever felt this way, you’re not alone! Tamar felt this way when she was sent back to her family after the death of Onan. Heck, she felt this way before she ever married Er, the first son.
In the society she lived, Tamar like all women was considered a 2nd-class citizen at best. She didn’t have any rights; well, maybe some inheritance rights if her husband preceded her in death and then it was only if there were heirs. So, when she was sent back to her father’s house and not married off to Shelah she patiently waited on Judah, and God, to do the right thing by her. When several years had passed and still nothing happened, she took matters into her own hands.
Imagine this scenario: you are promised to a man by his father. You wait and wait trusting all the while in the words said to you. You learn that your father-in-law is in the local area and you want to seek revenge. What do you do?
Tamar, with the help of her mother, dressed as a temple prostitute, waited on the side of the road by which Judah was traveling, seduced him, and took his seed.
Imagine this: you have just prostituted yourself to avenge yourself. Little do you know that God has BIG plans for you and your progeny! That’s right, Tamar gave birth to 2 sons (Perez & Zerah) who would become ancestors of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
What a burden she must have felt she was carrying to go to such lengths.
15 April 2013
This is the first woman we are studying in the Bible Study “A Lineage of Grace”. For those of you unfamiliar, Tamar was the wife of Judah’s son, Er. She was given to Onan when Er died, as per custom. When Onan died, Judah sent her back to her family to live until his youngest son, Shelah, was of age to marry. This never happened so Tamar took things into her own hands. If you want to learn more about her, read Genesis 38.
While I haven’t finished the reading or done the study guide portion on my own yet, I have found in what I have read that I relate to Tamar in many ways. One significant way is the desire to have children. She did not conceive until she tricked her father-in-law to lay with her (at that time, it was probably more proper to say “Lay with” instead of “sleep with”; translations may use some variation). She ultimately gave birth to twins!
Once I finish this first novella and study guide portion, I will post more. For now, I leave you with this:
Genesis 38 (NKJV)
Judah and Tamar
38 It came to pass at that time that Judah departed from his brothers, and visited a certain Adullamite whose name was Hirah. 2 And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite whose name was Shua, and he married her and went in to her. 3 So she conceived and bore a son, and he called his name Er. 4 She conceived again and bore a son, and she called his name Onan. 5 And she conceived yet again and bore a son, and called his name Shelah. He was at Chezib when she bore him.
6 Then Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord killed him. 8 And Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife and marry her, and raise up an heir to your brother.” 9 But Onan knew that the heir would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in to his brother’s wife, that he emitted on the ground, lest he should give an heir to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; therefore He killed him also.
11 Then Judah said to Tamar his daughter-in-law, “Remain a widow in your father’s house till my son Shelah is grown.” For he said, “Lest he also die like his brothers.” And Tamar went and dwelt in her father’s house.
12 Now in the process of time the daughter of Shua, Judah’s wife, died; and Judah was comforted, and went up to his sheepshearers at Timnah, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite. 13 And it was told Tamar, saying, “Look, your father-in-law is going up to Timnah to shear his sheep.” 14 So she took off her widow’s garments, covered herself with a veil and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place which was on the way to Timnah; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given to him as a wife. 15 When Judah saw her, he thought she was a harlot, because she had covered her face. 16 Then he turned to her by the way, and said, “Please let me come in to you”; for he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law. (taken from: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+38&version=NKJV)
10 April 2013
I keep trying to revamp this here blog of mine and it seems to stall out on me. Yeah, I am the one making it stall and I realise that. No follow through. Anyway, I am revamping it once again. This time it will serve a specific purpose: journaling as I go through a Bible study with some women at church.
We just started a women’s Bible study Sunday past. My sister thought it would be neat to do a study on the Proverb 31 Woman. One of our pastors agreed and we even found a couple other women that showed an interest. The pastor found a great book to use: A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers. I must say, after having only read a few pages I am intrigued. The book is actually a collection of 5 novellas centering on 5 different women from the Bible: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba and Mary. All are [direct] ancestors of Jesus Christ.
At the end of each novella are several pages of study questions. This is what I will primarily be blogging here. In addition, I will from time to time blog some commentary (for lack of a better term); my thoughts and feelings as I go through the readings.
01 April 2013
21 February 2013
I’ve been going to a Bible study at church the past few weeks called “Becoming a Contagious Christian”. A little back-story on this…
Since my vacation in January, I have been learning a lot about myself. When it was announced that this was a new Bible study I jumped at the chance to attend. Last week we were on the section in which we tell our story. Our story of becoming a Christian. I will share my first draft (as I am sure I will develop it more through the next few weeks) with you:
I grew up knowing nothing more than church on Sundays. I was christened Roman Catholic as a baby. I was taught about God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice not just in church and Sunday school, but by family members. My parents didn’t really make me go to church as a child. As a matter of fact, I have been told that one particular Sunday morning my mom couldn’t find me anywhere in the apartment. My dad told her to look out the window. That’s when they saw me being walked home by a couple of nuns. Apparently I got myself up and dressed and went to church on my own.
Sundays were probably my favorite day of the week growing up. I went to church and Sunday school in the morning. Then, I went to youth group in the evening. At the time, I went to a Baptist church. On the weekends when my brother and I would stay with the relatives, we would attend church or mass, depending on the family member. I remember getting yelled at by one of my cousins after mass one Sunday because I went for communion. Since I wasn’t raised Catholic, I didn’t know the rules. I just followed everyone, stood in line waiting for the priest to give me the smashed sunflower wafer and juice, then sat back down. Her parents didn’t seem to mind that I had done that. I think they hoped I would join the church. Yeah, not happening!
As a teen, I continued to grow in my faith. Since I had accepted Jesus at a young age, it was relatively easy to stick with reading the Bible and learning what I could. In high school, I went to live with my dad. That didn’t deter me in my spiritual walk however I wasn’t going to church regularly anymore. I would attend whenever I went to visit my mom, usually going with a friend or visiting my old church or with one of my aunt’s and uncle’s (not the Catholics). Eventually, I went back to live with my mom.
By the time I was 19, I was married and living in San Diego. I did not attend church there. My husband was probably more of an agnostic than anything else. I still looked to my Bible from time to time, but I had all but turned my back on my faith. During the first couple of years I began to dabble in other crafts/spiritual beliefs. The one thing that I know for certain is that I never stopped believing in Jesus during these years. By 1993, I was looking for a way out of the marriage and that’s when another man entered my life. We had an affair that lasted for almost 5 years (on and off). It was wrong. It was a sin. We both knew this. We were both very much in love with one another and just couldn’t stay apart for long. During the course of our relationship, and even to this day, we would have deep conversations about God, Jesus, the Bible, and anything else religious or spiritual-based. The foundation of our friendship was the affair, but we built a stronger friendship based on God. I was no longer intimate with my husband and still looking to escape.
In 1995, I walked away from my marriage after having a miscarriage. The child was not his. I gave my child to God asking him to allow me to have a healthy child if it was His will or take it from me painlessly. I knew I was wrong in having the affair. After leaving my husband, I moved in with some friends and began dating another man. We wound up married in 1997, briefly. During our relationship and marriage, we focused on making Christ the center of our home. We went to church together. I went to women’s group and became involved in learning all I could about God. I thought I found my forever husband, but that was not meant to be. We divorced in 1998 after he molested a child.
When I found out about the molestation, I was the one to turn him in. I had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized. This mental break almost cost me my life. I was suicidal. I became bitter and angry. The pastor and his wife came to visit me a couple times in the hospital and brought me some music; Cherri Keaggy. Listening to this artist helped me through some of my darkest days. I continued to grow in my faith in spite of this major set back in my life. I continued to go to church on Sundays. All the while, I was losing faith and trust in men. Three years later, I moved back to Michigan.
I still struggle with my faith. I am learning to accept things that happened in my life as things I had no control over. I understand that God has a purpose for my life, yet I find myself anxious to know what that is exactly. I still have the very first “grown up” Bible that I ever received at the age of 10-ish. I have studied the Bible not just as a piece of theology and God’s word, but as an historical document as well. I know that Jesus is my saviour and knowing this allows me to continue walking in faith. I am learning to forgive not just those who harmed me, but myself as well. That’s probably the biggest challenge I am facing today in my walk with God.
13 February 2013
If I could have one wish granted
It would be to share a sunrise
And if this wish were granted
this one wish with you,
I would want to be in your arms
as the sun rises
If while in your arms
we are watching the sunrise
you dare to give me a kiss,
I'll let you
You see, my one wish
is to be in your arms on a beach
watching the sunrise
~ Julie Hayes, 2013
23 January 2013
I like reading my horoscopes from time to time. Yes, you read that right, horoscopes. You see, I was born in the center of the cusp. For those of you who aren’t familiar, the cusp is a week long transition period between the signs. I am one of the lucky ones who can follow 2 different signs: Taurus and Gemini. So today, I saw something that peaked my interest and thought I would share.
Leader or follower? Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
When it comes to leading and following, Taurus could go either way. But in many ways, you’re more naturally a follower. With your innate, grounded creativity, you can tweak someone else’s high-flying ideas and create them in the real world. You tend to be careful and thorough, and have excellent determination and endurance – important qualities when it comes to seeing a project through to completion.
However, you also thrive in a leadership position. Stubborn at your core, you don’t like to be pushed; you’ll dig your heels in if someone tries to pressure you to do something you don’t want to do or that you don’t think is right. You also possess a strong moral sense that steers your behavior and decisions, often setting an example for others. In these ways, you’re a leader in your own right.
Leader or follower? Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
On the surface, Gemini, you’re more naturally a follower. As one of the most flexible signs of the Zodiac, you tend to deal better than most with change, and you’re often of two minds on many issues. You can see both sides of an argument, and when it comes to problem-solving, you have more than one viable idea. That’s why you make an excellent supporting member of a team. You can keep your friends or co-workers laughing and communicating as you offer up ideas and show everyone how to switch directions when needed.
But many of these qualities can also be instrumental in a leadership position. The truth is, you may not fit easily into either the “leader” or “follower” category. Instead, you might be more of a synthesizer – someone who takes several different ideas or approaches and combines them into something new and unique.
For me personally, I am not much of a leader. I just don’t have the desire for that type of role. However, I will say emphatically (and some might agree), I am STUBBORN to the core like my fellow Taureans. LOL!!!
19 January 2013
I have been dealing with this illness for many years now. I’ve always been as open as possible with family and friends when it comes to my illness, but there are times when I just want to hide it away and act as if it doesn’t exist. Lately, I have been going through a terrible spell with depression. It’s obvious to those around me that something is not quite right. Life has dealt me blows through the years and I have been able to bury the emotional pain away. It has come to a point in my life where I can no longer bury it; I have to DEAL!
I used to think that my depression was more of a situational thing. You know, something bad happens, you get sad, you move on. I realize more than ever that I have methodically withdrawn from my life. I would make excuses as to why I couldn’t go out with friends or why I shouldn’t be in a relationship with a man or whatever. At first it was that I was going to school and my studies were more important. Then it became the major move I made in my life from Michigan to Florida. Of course, I went on to graduate school so that meant more isolation.
I finished that degree in 2010. I found myself feeling lonely and bored. I still didn’t really want to date anyone, yet longed to be in a relationship. I can’t quite explain that one! I don’t like dating sites or bars. I would much rather meet someone through a mutual friend. Better yet, I would love nothing more than to rekindle the old flame with the love of my life. I recently had this opportunity and it just wasn’t there. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he will always be a great friend in my life and I will always have a special love for him. I just know that I need more than he is willing to give right now. And I don’t think I can wait around, nor do I want to, for him to decide he can. The great thing about our friendship is that I completely respect him; more than he knows. But, I digress…
Depression is a difficult illness to navigate. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to scream because the emotional pain gets to be too much to handle. Other times, I just hide myself away from the world. I take medications. I keep this blog. I have a journal that I also write in (things that I don’t want to share with the world). I find myself wanting to get into the Word more and more. I am trying to find myself again. I am trying to become the best me I can possibly be.
Did you know that some of the greatest minds suffered from depression? Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and Isaac Newton are just a few.
17 January 2013
That’s the only way I can describe much of my day today. I went to the hospital thinking it was just for a consult. Had I known what was gonna happen I would have brought someone with me. Couple the physical pain I felt during the procedure with the emotional pain I have been dealing with and I can only say that I am truly thankful I have God on my side. I don’t think I would have made it through without Him today.
Now, I await the results of the biopsy and pray all will be normal. It’s in His hands…
15 January 2013
…to an interesting start.
It’s been weird adjusting to life without my dad. I miss him every day. Last week was especially difficult for me. I went on a short vacation to visit a dear friend, someone whom I have loved for many years, and watching this man interact with his child made me miss my dad more. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to miss daddy from time to time and last week was especially bittersweet. I really enjoyed my time there, even though at times I’m sure he didn’t think so, lol. It was a bit awkward as we hadn’t seen one another in a long time. But, I digress…
While there, I came to some realisations about myself. One of the biggest is one that will remain between me, him and God. The other big one was that I am craving to learn more from God. I have been trying to spend more time in my Bible (I have been informed that I need to get the King James Version and put away my NIV; which I will). I actually do enjoy the olde English better anyway, just a bit rusty at reading that translation.
For this reason, I have decided to make 2013 into my year. My year to delve deeper into my faith and understanding of God’s word. My year to make more changes in my personal growth mentally and physically. My year to become a better me and find my way back to the “fighting Irish” woman I once was. The “I don’t take no crap from anyone” woman. I will do this for myself. I will do this for God.
I am also reading a book called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It was recommended and there is a workbook that accompanies it. For right now, I have the text. It is quite
eye-opening a slap in the face. After reading the first chapter, I realised everything I did wrong in past relationships. I will strive to be more respectful in my actions and words. And when I am disrespectful, an apology will surely follow. I am glad he recommended this book (among others that will be on my must read for this year).
These are words to live by…