15 September 2012

Surreal

The past week and a half has been somewhat surreal to me. I am having a hard to dealing with the loss of my daddy. I expect him to be here when I get home. I expect to see his face. Yet he is not here. I know that in time my heart will heal from this loss and it will be easier to cope. Right now, I am thankful that my family and friends have been there for me when I need to just chat. I am grateful to my online friends for leaving sweet thoughts and comments on my posts here and on my cross-stitch blog.

This weekend has been especially hard for me. A lot of realisations are setting in. My finances aren't the greatest and I know it will be a struggle for a while, but I also know that I can weather this storm just fine. I am trying to make the home I have lived in for the past 6+ years mine, but I also don't want to take away from the fact that it was my dad's. The biggest obstacle I will face in the coming weeks and months is not a financial one but a personal one. For the first time in my life, I will be completely independent of anyone. I am so scared! I have a nagging fear that I will fall flat on my face, lol. At the same time, I have been wanting to be independent for a long time now.

With God's help, I will make it through this challenge with little scarring and a much stronger person.

"Behold, God is my salvation, 
I will trust and not be afraid; 
For the Lord God is my strength and song, 
 And He has become my salvation."

06 September 2012

Farewell Daddy 3.8.1949 ~ 9.5.2012

Thank you for being my daddy for the last 40 plus years. You were my rock when I needed one. You were my best friend. You are now in our loving Lord’s arms and healed of your pain. Reuniting with long departed loved ones. And Mrs. Beasley too.

I will miss the way you play your guitar and sing the songs you enjoy. I will miss our drives together finding new places to see and explore.

I will miss you, daddy, the rest of my physical life.

I look forward to the day we see each other again.

Look for me running to you; into your arms.

me and dad at lg2

Michael Shawn Hayes

March 8, 1949 to September 5, 2012

63 years young

03 September 2012

Home and resting

Dad came home yesterday afternoon. He is now under hospice care. He decided he is done taking chemotherapy and just wants to let the cancer run its course. He’s been spending most of the time sleeping either in his recliner or in his bed. This whole ordeal has been so hard on me emotionally. I am losing my dad and my best friend all in one fell swoop. Sometimes I don’t understand why God deals hardships on people, but then again I have to believe there is a reason. I KNOW there is a reason HE does things the way He does. I lift my dad up to the Lord in hopes that he suffers little pain over these last few days of his life. He’s been telling me for a couple months now that he feels the end of his life is near. He knows his body better than anyone with the exception of God Himself.

As for myself, I am tired. Exhausted. Emotional (although not really showing it right now). Trying to figure out my next path in life. One major decision I have made is that I will stay where I am and have my grandma move in with me. If I cut down to the bare minimums on cable and phone I should be able to pull it off. Plus, my grandma will chip in a little to help pay expenses. She will also have more peace of mind in that she won’t have to live alone anymore. I just wish this were under better circumstances.

How am I dealing? I am trying to keep my mind occupied with my cross stitching, reading the Bible, and playing games on the computer. Mundane. Sure. For the most part. However, as I was reading in Revelations yesterday I learned something and that makes a difference in the way I look at a certain part of my life history. No, I won’t share the details. I just have a better understanding of HIS reasoning during that time.

I did learn something very interesting from my dad this past week. His favorite Bible verse (well, chapter really) is Psalm 23. I think many people like that one and consider it a favorite. For me, it was the first verse[s] that I memorised. My mom had a gold-plated plaque hanging on the bathroom wall and well, I won’t elaborate, but it made for good reading! Winking smile

gentle Jesus