So much has happened in my life this year. The least of not which is the loss of my dad in September. Thankfully, I have been able to get through the past few months with strength in God and the support of friends. I am glad that the year is finally coming to a close and looking forward to the New Year!
10 December 2012
My every waking thought
is of you;
I simply cannot shake.
I long to feel you
your breath on my skin
light caresses from your hands
lips pressed firm against mine.
My every waking thought
is of you.
I love the way you flirt
the twinkle in your eyes
the smile across your face
you make me feel like a girl;
I simply cannot shake.
My every waking thought
is of you.
I wonder if we can
or if we should
play with temptation;
I simply cannot shake
you from my mind.
22 November 2012
As I sit here and watch an old favorite, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, I am reminded of a simpler time in my life. A time when I had no worries in life. A time when the only thing I had to concern myself with was going to school, getting decent grades, and hoping to make my parents proud. While these times seem simpler now, they were difficult in the moment (no ma, I’m not gonna get on a tangent, lol).
Today was the first Thanksgiving without my dad. While I miss him dearly, I am grateful for those we did have. I spent the day at his brother’s home visiting with family. It was actually very peaceful and quite nice. Usually it is busy and loud as they get lots of folk dropping by. Not today! Unlike the toast and popcorn of Charlie Brown, we had ham, turkey, candied yams, potato salad, chicken dressing (or stuffing), giblet gravy, rutabagas, and cabbage. Oh, there were pies and sweet potato pudding too. No, I didn’t eat everything, just those items that I like. And when my cousin asked me to put a spoon of rutabagas on a plate for her fiancé I couldn’t resist doing something my dad would have done. I placed the spoon on the plate and handed it over. LOL! Yes, everyone took notice and even commented that it was something he would do and I come by it naturally. Yeah, I guess I do get his humor more than most.
Even the kitties got some turkey today!
And when all is done and put away, all I can do is Thank God for the wonderful memories and keep a bit of gratitude in my heart.
From my home to yours, have a wonderful Holiday Weekend!
“Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
and His courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good and His love
His faithfulness continues through
all generations.” ~ Psalm 100
13 November 2012
Well, it’s been a little over 2 months since daddy passed away. I still miss him and probably will for some time to come. But life does go on as I am finding. I started my new job last week and am finding it fulfilling. I am working with veteran’s; a part of society that holds a special place in my heart for many reasons, not the least of which is my being a veteran. Yes, it’s better pay than I was making working in Corrections. This affords me being able to stay in Florida for a bit longer.
Now, to find a personal life, lol!
That being said, the holidays are approaching and I may post a bit more frequently as I navigate through my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without daddy. And I think about my daughter on what should have been her 16th birthday at the end of the year. I have strength through God to get me through.
03 October 2012
Disclaimer: DON’T CRY MAMA!
I was doing the dishes earlier this evening and about fell out. I really expected my dad to come into the kitchen and can’t figure out why. It’s nothing unusual, especially now that he’s gone, for me to do the dishes at least a couple times a week (I don’t dirty that many and can get pretty lazy about it).
This past Sunday, Amazing Grace was played during the worship service. I started crying. When I got home, I balled for a good 15 minutes or so. I really miss my dad.
I know I shouldn’t, but I have been feeling a little bad not having spent more time sitting in the living room with him these past few years. For my part, it was mainly because we didn’t watch the same things on television. So, I would escape into my bedroom and do my own thing. Now, I did sit and eat supper with him, most nights. It was on those nights when he was watching something disgusting (i.e. animals tearing each other apart, fish being gutted, etc.) that I had to leave and take dinner in my room.
Even now, I fight the tears as much as possible. Not because I have no feeling, but because I hate the feeling of being vulnerable. Plus, I am scared that if I start, I won’t stop and the Bell’s Palsy will come back.
Am I wrong, or is it pretty stupid to ask “So Julie, is it weird being home with your dad gone?” I mean, my co-worker may have good intentions in mind, but is she really that stooo-pid?! Before you make up your mind on an answer, let me tell you that it is a resounding YES! And not just for the stupid questions she keeps asking me, but because she doesn’t even know how to do her job.
Sandy, my 3 year old tan cat, has been more vocal than ever lately. I don’t think she has made this much noise since we got her in 2009!
My best friend recently told me she wished I would move back to Michigan. She wants me to see her son grow up (he’s not quite 1 yet). I miss her a lot, as well as others in my family and a couple other friends. But I really miss Christine. She was not just my buddy, but my scrap-buddy! (NO MOM, I am not moving back to Michigan. However, I may wind up halfway between if I lose my job with privatization looming, lol). It would be nice to be closer to her and my other family and friends.
15 September 2012
This weekend has been especially hard for me. A lot of realisations are setting in. My finances aren't the greatest and I know it will be a struggle for a while, but I also know that I can weather this storm just fine. I am trying to make the home I have lived in for the past 6+ years mine, but I also don't want to take away from the fact that it was my dad's. The biggest obstacle I will face in the coming weeks and months is not a financial one but a personal one. For the first time in my life, I will be completely independent of anyone. I am so scared! I have a nagging fear that I will fall flat on my face, lol. At the same time, I have been wanting to be independent for a long time now.
With God's help, I will make it through this challenge with little scarring and a much stronger person.
06 September 2012
Thank you for being my daddy for the last 40 plus years. You were my rock when I needed one. You were my best friend. You are now in our loving Lord’s arms and healed of your pain. Reuniting with long departed loved ones. And Mrs. Beasley too.
I will miss the way you play your guitar and sing the songs you enjoy. I will miss our drives together finding new places to see and explore.
I will miss you, daddy, the rest of my physical life.
I look forward to the day we see each other again.
Look for me running to you; into your arms.
Michael Shawn Hayes
March 8, 1949 to September 5, 2012
63 years young
03 September 2012
Dad came home yesterday afternoon. He is now under hospice care. He decided he is done taking chemotherapy and just wants to let the cancer run its course. He’s been spending most of the time sleeping either in his recliner or in his bed. This whole ordeal has been so hard on me emotionally. I am losing my dad and my best friend all in one fell swoop. Sometimes I don’t understand why God deals hardships on people, but then again I have to believe there is a reason. I KNOW there is a reason HE does things the way He does. I lift my dad up to the Lord in hopes that he suffers little pain over these last few days of his life. He’s been telling me for a couple months now that he feels the end of his life is near. He knows his body better than anyone with the exception of God Himself.
As for myself, I am tired. Exhausted. Emotional (although not really showing it right now). Trying to figure out my next path in life. One major decision I have made is that I will stay where I am and have my grandma move in with me. If I cut down to the bare minimums on cable and phone I should be able to pull it off. Plus, my grandma will chip in a little to help pay expenses. She will also have more peace of mind in that she won’t have to live alone anymore. I just wish this were under better circumstances.
How am I dealing? I am trying to keep my mind occupied with my cross stitching, reading the Bible, and playing games on the computer. Mundane. Sure. For the most part. However, as I was reading in Revelations yesterday I learned something and that makes a difference in the way I look at a certain part of my life history. No, I won’t share the details. I just have a better understanding of HIS reasoning during that time.
I did learn something very interesting from my dad this past week. His favorite Bible verse (well, chapter really) is Psalm 23. I think many people like that one and consider it a favorite. For me, it was the first verse[s] that I memorised. My mom had a gold-plated plaque hanging on the bathroom wall and well, I won’t elaborate, but it made for good reading!
27 August 2012
Well, dad went into the hospital again over the weekend. I feel like the end is closer than I want to believe. My feelings have kind of been confirmed, but I will know more tomorrow morning when I meet with one of his doctor’s. His survival rate is less than 6 months at this point. All I can do is pray for a miracle and I do believe HE performs them all the time. The doctor’s are suggesting we get hospice involved now rather than wait until we absolutely need them involved. This will better prepare us for the end, which is inevitable. We have known for more than a year that he is terminal. Somehow, hearing an actual prognosis gives it more meaning. This whole time we have been going along in the treatment process unaware of just how bad it was getting.
I am not sure if this is because we weren’t given all of the information or if it wasn’t sinking in. Either way, I am not too happy with the treatment he has been getting and haven’t been for a while now. I am glad that we are getting, what seems to be, better information now.
God give us the strength to carry on and allow for our hearts and minds to be at peace with Your decision for daddy.
07 August 2012
Those of you who read this blog, or my cross-stitch blog, know that my dad is battling colon cancer. He’s had his ups and downs over the past few months. His CT and PET scans recently showed significant growth in his liver. Other than that, the cancer cells have appeared to stop growing at least. There is a problem with his liver because of the cancer right now which sucks. He was supposed to start treatment plan #4 this week, but that is put on hold for now. He sees another specialist tomorrow to see what can be done about an apparent blockage. Hopefully the doctor can place a stent and we can move forward.
Dad in Michigan, July 2012
Normally, I don’t ask for this, but I am asking for your prayers. The oncologist hasn’t really given a prognosis other than the “no cure” statement we already knew about. However, dad asked her today what his survival rate might be. She said worst case is 6 mos. to 1 year; best case is 3 years. A lot is up to God. Some of it is up to dad and how long he wants to continue treatment (we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it). For now, he is in good spirits and going forward as long as possible.
Now for the PSA: if you have a history of colon cancer in your family or are age 40 or older, please go and get checked. The sooner this kind of cancer is caught and dealt with, the better your chances are of surviving!
21 May 2012
And now, at 40:
No, not any change really. Just another number, lol!
I did get some beautiful flowers from my mom today:
14 May 2012
Well, I had a rather interesting Mother’s Day. Even though my child is not among the physically living, she is always with me in spirit. It’s true, I carry her around everywhere. I guess that’s my way of saying that when I miscarried in 1995, her tissues were absorbed back into my bloodstream.
I also went to a baby shower yesterday and had a great time! Other than that, not much else happening in my life. So, I will get on with this week’s Q & A for Meet Me on Monday!
1. For Mother's Day I _________
2. What is your favorite dish that your Mom makes?
3. Who are you a "Mom" too?
4. What did you have for Mother's Day dinner?
5. What is your fondest memory of your Mom?
And my answers:
1. For Mother's Day I went to church (grandma joined us) and went to a baby shower later in the afternoon. Pretty non-eventful!
2. What is your favorite dish that your Mom makes?
My mom is the first to admit she is not the best cook, but I did always enjoy her goulash. Now, my grandma always made the best boiled cabbage with just the right amount of butter.
3. Who are you a "Mom" too?
My daughter’s name is Brinea (Bree nay uh). She did not live to grow up in the physical world, however, she is with God. I also played a big role in my niece’s life from age 3 to 8. She’s now 14…OMG!
4. What did you have for Mother's Day dinner? I had finger sandwiches and potato chips.
5. What is your fondest memory of your Mom? Seeing how proud she was of me when I completed my Bachelor’s Degree at Michigan State in 2006.
10 May 2012
If you want comedy relief, please join my family! I mean, I thought I knew some people quite well but I am learning that I really don’t. I don’t know when I have ever been around family members who are in such a rush to “get it done”. I mean c’mon! Do you really think it’s the right time to think about making a big move when you are not divorced yet and you are about to lose your job and you are not financially stable?! REALLY?!?! Maybe I just need to vent right now, but I am so sick of people thinking that they need to rush into everything. STOP, TAKE A BREATH and for crying out loud GET YOUR FREAKING LIFE TOGETHER!!!
And the other one. I mean REALLY!?!? You really think that you aren’t pushing me away?! You choose a guy over your family. You tell me to call anytime and we can talk but when I do you are constantly distracted by him or other people around you. And I am trying to keep it together for myself. Did you really think I wouldn’t take to heart the things you told me last year as we began to get close? Are you kidding me when you say that you won’t let a man come before God? Well, you have done just that! Yeah, I said it!! Don’t get me wrong. I am happy that you found someone that treats you like a princess, but SERIOUSLY!?! And you don’t want me to give you crap over it when I was just KIDDING! GROW UP!! The world does not revolve around you, nor does it around me!
I am a woman of God! No MAN is going to come between me and my GOD or my family. I never have allowed for that and never ever will. If you read this, I am sorry if it hurts you but you gotta know that it pains me to know that I feel like I am losing certain people in my family. No MAN is going to suggest that I move knowing full and well that I just got into a place and can barely make ends meet. No MAN is going to offer me money to get things taken care of when I know I can’t repay him. I will simply say “No Thank You”. I really don’t think that GOD wants me to become so dependent on other people that I can’t think for myself and am constantly making bad decisions in my life. I could be wrong and that means He really has a great sense of humor. He must have. He put me in the family that I am, lol!
All bitchiness aside, I am truly thankful for my family. I wouldn’t trade them in for anything. I just need to be wiser about how I deal with them I guess. I mean, I am truly tired of playing second fiddle to every single person that I once held so close to my heart. I know that I need to find my own life. After being alone for so many years, it is really difficult. When I have put my trust in someone, it has been stomped on (like last summer and the way a certain person acted toward me). But I just gotta say, this family truly is comedy relief for me.
07 May 2012
This year is just flying by, don’tcha know!? I can’t believe summer is almost here. It seems like we just left winter behind. Of course, we are now beginning our monsoon season here in Florida. Today being no exception, it is trying to rain as I type this.
Here are this week’s questions for Meet Me On Monday.
1. I wish _________
2. If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?
3. Do you like to cook?
4. What do you like to do to get exercise?
5. How tidy are you?
Before I get to my answers, I just wanted to update you, my readers, on my dad’s condition. If you remember, he was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer last year (April). He has been receiving chemo treatments in varying forms since May. Currently, he is about halfway through his third drug and going in for another CT Scan in about a month. I sure hope this stuff is doing the trick and stopping any further growth/damage to his insides. He has been a trooper, but this drug has been making him ill.
Personally, I have a lot of decisions to make over the next several months. No, we don’t have a prognosis other than there is no cure. I had a grandma survive 3 years after diagnosis with this cancer, so I am hoping we have at least 2 more years with him. That said, I have been feeling the emotional pressures quite a bit. How do I deal with all of that? I don’t know, but somehow I am. I can honestly say that I am not getting much emotional support from those who I thought would be there for me. Instead, they have their own agenda’s now and what I thought was a stronger relationship building between us has become unraveled. I blame one person and it’s not me nor is it the other person. I blame a 3rd person for pulling the other away.
Which leads me to one of the decisions I have to make: where am I going to live when the inevitable happens? I sure as hell am not staying around here. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Florida. I just know that I don’t want to be around those who continue to bring me down emotionally acting like they care when really they don’t. I could be wrong in this but the actions as of late have pointed in that direction. So, I will repeat here what I posted on my FB last night:
“I was there for you when you needed me. I was there for you when you were afraid. I was there for you when you were crying and depressed. But, when I needed you, you could not be bothered.”
Well, enough of that! Here are my answers:
2. If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be? This is a tough one. I guess it would be the first Space Shuttle launch – in person of course.
3. Do you like to cook? That would be a NO, however I am a good cook.
4. What do you like to do to get exercise? Currently, my exercise routine consists of walking, walking and more walking. I work in a prison. There’s a lot of walking to and from my office, lol. I’d say I get about a mile in each day.
5. How tidy are you? Depends on my mood. I have been in an “I don’t care” mood for a few years, so not too tidy. I do know where everything is so it’s all good!
Well, that’s about it for me. “C-ya” next time!
01 May 2012
30 April 2012
1. Tomorrow I am _________
Going to work.
2. When is your birthday?
3. What are you currently excited about?
The possibility of my niece coming to visit this summer. I miss her terribly!
4. Do you have any secrets?
Now if I told you, they wouldn’t be a secret anymore, lol!
5. What do you normally eat for lunch?
I sure hope you all have a wonderful week!
23 April 2012
Here we are again! MMoM came so fast this week. I feel like the year is spinning by my head, lol. How many of you feel this way?
Well, here are this week’s questions:
1. I keep putting off _________
2. What is your current weather?
3. What is the nicest room in your house?
4. What jewelry do you never take off?
5. Do you eat a snack before bed?
But, before I get to my answers I have other things to discuss. First, don’t ever try to move a desk with a complete computer unit, especially one more than 5 years old, from one room to another. I am almost 40 years old and have been dealing with a severe back ache for a week now. Yes, I did that stupid thing in 1993 and will live with it the rest of my life. Just wait for someone to help you or move everything out of and off of the desk.
Yes, I am a little under a month from the big 4-0! It’s hard to believe that I will be turning this milestone soon. It seems like I just turned 30. Oh, I am not dreading turning 40 at all. I actually embrace it. However, I don’t think I have completely grown up yet, LOL! Do we ever?! Well, I am celebrating my birthday much like I do every year at the Olive Garden. This year, my dad and I are taking my sister and grandma. It’s gonna be a nice treat!
And now for some answers:
1. I keep putting off cleaning my bedroom. And is it ever a disaster area!
2. What is your current weather? It’s been a pleasant and breezy day!
Feels Like: 67°
Through 1am: Mostly clear. Windy early. Temperatures falling into the upper 50s. Winds WNW at 15 to 20 mph.
3. What is the nicest room in your house? The nicest room in a house I spent much of my childhood in was the living room of my grandma’s cottage on Lake George, MI. It had a great view of the lake! I don’t like the house I live in at the moment. It’s falling apart and OLD!!! Needs a lot more work.
View from the living room
4. What jewelry do you never take off? my earrings, unless I am changing them for a day
Well, that’s all for now! Have a great week!!!
16 April 2012
1. Right now I could really eat _________?
2. Full length pants or capri's?
3. The best smelling men's cologne (women's perfume for the guys playing) is ________?
4. What is your favorite kind of Cheesecake?
5. What TV Show do you currently never miss?
1. Right now I could really eat chili? Oh wait! I already did, lol!!!
2. Full length pants or capri's? Full Length JEANS
3. The best smelling men's cologne (women's perfume for the guys playing) is a toss up between three?
4. What is your favorite kind of Cheesecake? Ummm, the kind you eat?! LOL Plain, no toppings, nothing added. Just plain
5. What TV Show do you currently never miss? The BIG BANG THEORY
Well, that’s all folks!
12 April 2012
29 March 2012
GOD is GREAT!!!
Until next time...