11 June 2011

Clarity in the Chaos

Have you ever had one of those moments when the light bulb just clicked on light bulband you think to yourself, “You know, he’s absolutely right!”? Well, that happened for me this morning shortly after 8am. I have spent the past few weeks dealing with a lot of old hurts and emotions, stuff that I buried so deep down that I never thought it would surface. You may have noticed this in my posts as of late. This is a GOOD thing, mind you, as I need to feel this stuff and let go of it once and for all. I guess it’s a healing process long overdue so that I may move on with my life and finally find that happiness I am looking so hard for.

So what was he right about, you may be wondering. Well, the other night, a friend of mine was visiting and we were going to watch another episode of “The Pacific” together. Being that I was in an emotional state and really needed to talk more than anything, I shut the DVD off and just let it all out. A little background: I really like this man, as a friend, and find myself feeling comfortable enough to talk to him about anything. I don’t have many friends like that, so when I find one I tend to latch on…HARD! I don’t love this man in any other way than a friend and still think of him as a cousin (his mom and my uncle were married until 1993 when my uncle passed away). Heck, I still call his mom “Aunt ___” at times. We have a good time together talking about mutual interests and family and it’s all good. But what he said to me was “You are clinging to the first man to show you some affection” (something along those lines).

Ding, ding, ding! The light bulb clicked on this morning and I thought “Man, he’s right about that! And I don’t even love him – at least not in that way!! LOL”. In the midst of this emotional chaos, I had been trying to figure out my feelings for him too. NIGHTMARE! I admit that I am more ready than ever to be in a relationship with a man, however I know what I deserve in a man and what I need. Most importantly, there has got to be mutual feelings, right?! So, as I got ready for work, that comment just really clicked in my brain. And I finally began to have some clarity after the chaos of the past few weeks.

breathe

Now, if this darn Bell’s Palsy would just go away already, all would be right in my world! I sure hope everyone is having a good weekend and I thank you so much for just reading my blog posts as of late. I know they have probably been difficult, boring, or just plain sad, but it helps to get some of this junk out of my system. And, I have been doing a little bit of stitching and will have pics to share very soon!

3 comments:

Annesphamily said...

I had a hard time reading with all the tree leaves but you are your own person and were being a good friend! Enjoy the weekend! People talk too much to us sometime. I watched an old episode of "The New Adventures of Old Christine" last night. She was in a similar situation. Hee Hee

Lili Bear said...

Jules,
I've read the last posts here and I'm just so sorry. I don't have the words to express how much I understand your feelings, and how much hurt you have suffered, and how much you dread to endure some more.
They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't agree. I think it changes you into someone really fragile and driven by fear. Fear of more pain.
I wish I could help, but all I can do is write and say I understand, and that life's a bitch sometimes. You've had your share and you deserve love and respect. And I HOPE that someday it will happen.
And you know there's another saying that's true: stop checking if the water is boiling; then it will boil.
HUgs, sweet Jules,
Lili Bear

Jules said...

Thanks!!

LOL, Lili Bear, you are too fun. But it's true about the watched pot and life being a bitch.